Weekend {etc}

i love everything about saturday morning - sleeping in, making a good breakfast, doing chores with the kids.

this week i taught them how to hand-wash the big dishes - the brownie pan from the night before, the waffle batter bowl, the wooden spoons, the frying pan. it was wet and soppy and slow, but they did such a good job and they looked so cute at the sink together :)

we visited the baby chicks at mimi's.
lily almost loved them to death (no, really. it's hard not to squeeze the things we love!) she is so tender for baby things and she loved those little chickies.

there's been a lot going on around here lately, a lot a lot. but i'm not ready to blog about it. we're getting closer and closer to the end of tax season. can't come soon enough. poor natey's teetering on the edge of exhaustion, insanity, collapse. he is super man and we love him to the end of the earth for working so hard for us. we're trying to cook up some fun plans for april, something to look forward to.

i love her scrunched-up nose

i taught the girls at church about homemaking today. my emotions were right up in my throat the whole time. i cried through most of my preparation, just so struck by the humongous responsibility and incomparable blessing of nurturing. i love it. it is my heart. and i told those darling girls, "this is your power. don't you squander it." and i believe that so strongly, there aren't even words to describe what i know and feel about it. we had the best discussion today; they were so candid and real in their sharing. my heart was so tender for each of them in their varied circumstances and struggles. a few weeks ago when the lesson was about divine potential, i brought up heavenly mother and i asked them to imagine what they thought she might be like and one sweet girl said, "i think she has comfort in her eyes." i can't even type that without tears welling up in my eyes. it was the most beautiful thing i've heard in a long time.

today, in the context of our homemaking discussion, i told the girls how much i love to fold my kids' laundry. i know that sounds crazy, but i do and here's why: it's not because i love folding laundry, it's because i love my kids (& nate) so much that many of the little things i do to make their lives comfortable and safe and clean are pleasing to me, even if the task itself isn't. i fold those little shirts and and skirts and socks and think love. love. love.

and even though they could never articulate the fact that drawers full of clean, folded laundry are evidences of love, i know they're assimilating the goodness of family life - little moments reveal it to me, like the other night when we were reading scriptures and henry stopped me to ask, "mom, did jesus have a family? like a wife and kids?" i told him that i wasn't sure, and asked what he thought and he said, "well, in the scripture stories and in all those pictures we have there aren't any pictures of his family and it doesn't talk about them, but if i were jesus, i would want a family...a wife and kids. so i think maybe he had that." and maybe i'm taking too many liberties here and inferring too much, but i think that was henry's way of expressing how much his family means to him, and hoping that same familial comfort and happiness could be extended to everyone. even jesus :)

the rhythm of recent days

these days we play a lot of memory (mostly me & lil, sometimes henry, too)

and we color in the pony coloring book

we beg our friends with babies to let us babysit

sometimes they let us and we love those babies silly

seriously, if you need a babysitter - lily and me? we will give your baby a week's worth of squeezes and kisses and loves

we read magic treehouse books

we shoot baskets on the neighbors' hoop while lily zips up and down the sidewalk on her "wadio flyah" (radio flyer scooter)

we build legos in the front room on rainy days
and bask in the brightness when the sun's out
i take pictures of myself on my phone to see how visible my signs of aging are (then i use heavy instagram filters to reduce them) oh, vanity.

we have nate's dad over for dinner a couple times a week and try to love him up as best we can

i head for the hills and hike every chance i get (twice in the last 4 days).

we lay in bed on sunday nights (me & nate) and try to figure out what on earth to do about our life (certain parts)

we stay up waaayyyy too late; nate working on tax returns in the office, me doing whatever i need to/want to/can, waiting up for my pal to come to bed

we love each other so dearly
we laugh and smile and exchange knowing glances over our darling children
we're marshmallows anyway, and recent experience has made our hearts extra tender for them

we listen to a pick in my pocket (jim deeming) while we cook dinner - it is like jim touches that guitar and skittles and sunshine fall out - so cheerful and amazing. i think you should buy it on iTunes right now.

we make the best banana nut muffins for family home evening and read stories from the friend
and some nights we cry ourselves to sleep (me) about the things in our hearts that aren't settled

but that's ok to do every once in a while.

hello, march. we are so very curious to pry open your grasp and see what you're holding for us.

love & basketball

right now henry is loving basketball. reeeaallly loving it.

he plays everyday at lunch recess. and tells us all about it at dinner every night.

he wears his hand-me-down basketball shoes to school.

he went on a little date with nate this weekend and came home with a brand new basketball.

then (as luck would have it) our neighbors got a brand new basketball hoop and said henry could shoot hoops anytime! thanks, neighbors!

so everyday this week when he gets home from school, he drops his backpack in the front hall, grabs his ball out of the garage, and heads out to practice. and then he shoots bucket after bucket until his arms get tired, or he gets super hungry for an after school snack and comes inside and reports on his performance. yesterday he told me, "i didn't miss a single shot!" i gave him the "check your facts" face and he said, "well, maybe i missed like 4 shots...but i made most of them."

the other day i caught him by the front window, watching some bigger kids from the neighborhood playing a pick-up game. i sneaked up behind him and i could hear his voice barely bigger than a whisper, cheering and commentating, get it, girl! aawww...so close! ooh, nice one! it was so precious (see picture above).

today lily and i were playing princess memory in the front room while he was out shooting. from where i was sitting, i had a perfect view of the hoop and my favorite little hoopster. he did make quite a few shots. i was impressed! and (of course) just so melty and soft inside for that darling boy, getting so big.

almost seven.

parenthood gets more complicated as kids get older; i spend a lot of mental energy worrying and wondering about how to prepare henry for all that he's going to come up against in the world. (it makes me dizzy to think of it.) and more energy actually teaching and preparing, trying to stay connected, making time to listen, prizing the important things like honesty and kindness and effort. it is very daunting and less instinctual than the kind of nurturing a baby requires. sometimes i don't feel like i'm evolving into this new phase of parenthood very gracefully, but goodness if you could see my heart and hear my prayers...

these two are everywhere.

tangled magic

saturday night we went over to tanner & melissa's house and, among other things, we launched lanterns a la tangled. melis streamed "at last i see the light" on her iPhone and we watched the lanterns disappear up, up, up into the night sky 'til we couldn't discern them from the stars.

it was so fun!

and magical.

and cold! and a little bit scary when one of the burning lanterns got lodged in a pine tree and threatened disaster. the hose was frozen solid. our eyebrows went up and so did our blood pressure. luckily the lantern burned out without incident. phew!

such a memorable night.

this little girl was completely aglow with wonder and delight; she loves tangled. and she loves her cousin mary probably as much as she loves me or food or breathing.

we LOVE her.

clarification [& the weekend]

the previous post was not a reflection of my dissatisfaction with nate or with our marriage. i am immensely satisfied with both. it was just a bit of introspection (the writing actually helped me get to the bottom of what i was feeling), and a reflection on some of my own weaknesses/internal struggles. i feel like i've been having little moments of illumination all week. insights, i guess, into things like selfishness, ingratitude, pride...and their virtuous counterparts.
the kids and i had such a nice, slow day together today. we sat on the living room floor for two hours and sorted a million plastic beads by color and then made necklaces and bracelets. then we did chores and grocery shopped.
nate worked all day, but we had decided that we wanted to have something of a family party tonight when he got home. so we did. i let the kids plan the dinner menu - they chose...hot dogs. (fake smile!) i bought plenty of condiments, and toppings, and good buns to make it enjoyable for those of us who do not fancy processed meat remnants. (shudder). we melted cheese on the buns under the broiler, i sauteed some onions and purple cabbage, we sliced tomato & avocado and had an assortment of pickles and peppers. lily and i are obsessed with pickled products. lily would eat dill pickles and olives as an appetizer at every meal if permitted. i've been craving a hamburger lately, er - i've been craving all the fixin's lately (not so much the beef), so tonight's dinner really hit the spot. and of course we had to have chips and pellegrino aranciata, too.

best part of the party was the lego building contest. (henry's idea). we had little timed competitions to see who could come up with the most impressive creation. we had a few different categories: something to travel to the moon in, an intimidating prison, and then a free-for-all final round - no category restrictions and no time limits. henry is so creative and such a good builder - his creations trumped ours every time. lily played too -- she would just snap like 6 blocks together and then tell us all about what it was ('dis is the bewenstein beahs. dis is papa beah and dis is sistah beah!')

i love quiet nights in with my little brood.

forgetting what i already knew

valentines day sideswiped me with unexpected emotion and introduced a fresh fuss of introspection (as if i need more!) all the cute, fluffy stuff with the kids was fine and good - surprises waiting for them at the breakfast table, a love note in henry's lunch, and all the (sugar-free) bubble-yum they could chew in a day. (turns out lily can polish off a whole pack, no problem. henry, ever more thoughtful and prudent, chewed one piece). we had the missionaries and my grandma for dinner, which was also really nice. but the later part of the evening, the tiny moment of the day that nate and i reserved for each other, was tepid and flat. i went to bed tear-streaked and puffy-eyed, not because i felt unloved, but because i felt disappointed in myself and misunderstood. and, worst of all, after an hour of sniffling contemplation the things that seemed most impossible to me were the inconsistencies of my own complicated head (heart?). i refused to allow myself to blame my attitude on anyone or anything else. i pushed back against rationalization and justification that came to mind in rapid beat, until the only things left for scrutiny were my own thoughts and feelings, and they were zig-zagged and upside down and incongruent. my last thought to myself (after i begged the lord to help me understand my feelings and put my heart in a better place) was, maybe i am crazy.

when i woke up this morning i felt confused. but not crazy. (phew.)

if asked, i would say that i'm over the imposed pressure and silly expectations of holidays; i've written about it before. but valentines day caught me in a pocket of vulnerability. i wanted to feel young(er) and aflutter and adored. the predictable bouquet of tired-looking roses and the 10:30 (after an evening of work) invitation, "you wanna chat for a bit before i head to bed?" (though very sweet and the most my tired, trying nate could muster), were just irritating to me. i was distant and guarded. ironic, when what i wanted so badly was to feel what we felt in the sparkling days of our courtship and i was never either of those things (distant or guarded) back then. when i write this out i feel so silly, almost too silly to write it down and own it; i see all the ridiculousness of it in retrospect. even in the moment i knew my attitude wreaked of selfishness and irrationality, but i just didn't have the grit to get over my own lameness. and that inability stung and throbbed in juxtaposition to recent efforts at choosing happiness regardless of external variables. (i suspect this is something you'll be hearing about a lot in forthcoming blog posts - my efforts to choose happiness, to really be in control of my reactions, and my frequent failings to do so...it's a journey i'd like to document. i apologize in advance if it feels repetitive).

tonight i've been wondering if courtney's words about the work of marriage (which i believe can be extended to the broader work of humanity) found more weight in anyone else's soul than they did in my own. they are sitting somewhere deep in my viscera - heavy and at home...

"true romanticism is a man and a woman dedicated to work. The battle of it all is one of self-worth, we have to fight to know who we are, and what we are capable of.

and this: "we think we go from partner to partner because there will be someone "better" for us. In reality, no one is better for us, we just get better for ourselves."

And this: "relationships work when we sacrifice negative beliefs about ourselves, and in that process we become the best thing that's ever happened to anyone."

And this: "a successful marriage is about two people engaged and dedicated to overcoming selfishness--for the rest of their lives."


in the pink, sugar-coated buzz of a silly holiday i totally lost track of truth i already knew --
frustrating, but not fruitless. the introspection has been productive, yielding this:

more dedication to the work of love, mine and nate's especially, but also to the work of coming to each day/conversation/interaction with more love and less selfishness (in all its subtle forms), which will allow me to be better - for myself and for him, which betterment will allow me a clearer understanding of who i am and what i'm capable of.

it is all so reciprocal and beautiful and perfect.
and hard. so very, very hard.

recently

thursday night nate worked until it wasn't thursday anymore. very late night. i made waffles with strawberry sauce and whipped cream for the kids' dinner. they couldn't have been happier at chuck-e-cheese; they thought it was soooo delicious and fun. i felt happy that we made lemonade out of late-night-for-dad lemons.

friday night nate & i slipped out for a date. dinner didn't dazzle, but driving to a favorite spot and talking about our dreams did.

saturday morning i went to a church leadership training meeting while nate caught up on sleep (and the kids watched how to train your dragon). when i got home the jehova's witnesses were waiting for me in my driveway; always good to get the latest installment of the watchtower ;)

saturday afternoon we "lived in the sunshine and drank the wild air," just like emerson recommends.

saturday night nate worked late again (this time from home...so much better.) i sat in his office and read the friend (looking for a family home evening lesson and just enjoying the overall greatness of that magazine) and texted my mom :)

this afternoon henry and i curled up on the couch and read the rest of his magic treehouse book while lily napped. i love to read with him. at dinner tonight he told the whole family every plot detail of the entire 107 page novel. we're not worried about his retention/comprehension skills at all.

and tonight? we had a family guess who tournament, read scriptures, and did pull ups.