Friday, December 17, 2010
There are too many smiles and laughs and tears and tender sighs to be had in reading the archives. This little story of ours is my favorite one ever. And there are funny memories and important thoughts that need to be shared with my children. And preserved for myself. I want to write and I have so much to say...a running list of insights and quotes and thoughts on my desk. Oh, and I have a desk now (finally!) If that's not blogworthy...a new to me, old desk that I am just totally in love with.
But i keep saying yes to things like being in charge of the decorations for the ward Christmas party and accompanying musical numbers. And I'm spending my quiet (writing) time learning the harmonies of "In The Bleak Midwinter" and other such things. Oh, and Christmas. Gifts to assemble and letters to write.
sometimes i want to get overwhelmed and frustrated by all the things I can't do. but that's just so useless. the other day i was driving to pick henry up from school and my mind was kind of drawn out in a prayer-like monologue to God. i just wanted Him to know how dearly I love my life. and not because it's all lollipops and lemonade stands. because it's not. there have been some really challenging things about the past year. things that i haven't written about here. but even when it is frustrating and hard and painful and lily is terribly, terribly stubborn...i love this life. i reminded God of my desire for a lot more time to relish my children and love my husband and celebrate our collective victories. and then, for two seconds, it was a dialog and I understood something new. or something I had always known made sense in a new way. i can only enjoy a lifetime more of joys and celebrations, if i'm willing to endure an equal amount of disappointment and pain and difficulty and being stretched til it hurts, because there really aren't any exceptions to difficulty, only variations. i guess it's just my own way of understanding that the bitter is the price we pay to really prize the sweet. and i'm feeling like i can do a little better at enduring the "bitter" more cheerfully, knowing that there is so much sweet still to be tasted.
yesterday i asked henry to clean up a mess he'd made. he didn't want to. he moped around and finally resolved, "i'm just not going to play any more so I don't have to clean up all these messes!" i smiled. and reminded myself that sometimes we have to make a mess to have a good time. sometimes we have to hurt to grow. sometimes the process of stripping away pride to gain new understanding is embarrassing and sobering. sometimes we have to make ourselves vulnerable to really experience the heights and depths of things like love. and life.
that maybe only makes sense to me.