Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Catching up...

* There is so much to say. There always is after a many-day silence. (Joan, your comment made me feel so loved and special, thank you!) I have sat down and tried to blog a few times in the past couple of weeks, but I just haven't had enough uninterrupted time to get things written out the way I'd like. And, to be perfectly frank, the past few weeks (months) have been rough for me. Rougher than I've had for a long time. I've tried to write about parts of it, but haven't really been able to get it out right. I wish I didn't get hung up and halted trying to share certain things, but I do. And then I feel so divided because I want there to be authenticity here - for whoever reads these words, but especially for my children. I want them to know me; the games and tea parties and exquisite joy, but also the pain and the failing and the longing. And how those opposite emotions can coexist so strangely.

* I took a quick trip to Utah over spring break. I hemmed and hawed about whether to go or not (of course I did). I talked myself in and out of it many times. And then, at the last minute, I chose GO. And we did, me and the kids, with my mom and Halley. And it was so, so good to get out of my life for a few days, not to escape badness just to interrupt the cycles that were get above the haze that had settled over my consciousness, to re-realize what I really want from life, and what it requires of me to make it happen. After much blog reading and e.mailing and admiration/adoration from afar, I finally got to meet Lori, which was just as wonderful as could be. Truly, I can't remember meeting someone whose goodness touched me so deeply as hers. I did a lot of thinking and observing and realizing. I came home happier.

Here are a few other random, recent bits:

* With 11:00 church and children who, for the most part, get themselves ready, I have time to do my hair on Sunday mornings. A happy bonus. Last week I tried my hand at a french braid. I liked it. So did the fifteen year old girls I teach :)

* The "lot-a-lot going on around here" had to do with the fact that we almost bought a house a couple weeks ago. Made an offer, sellers accepted it, got an inspection -- that kind of almost. The inspection yielded muchos problems, big ones that we didn't want to touch (we were sort of expecting this - the house was built in 1955). We feel relieved about it, like we dodged a bullet. And also disappointed (me) because I was ready to throw myself headlong into a project (or 500 - which that house/property easily had).

* This is our dear friend, Ethyl. We visit her regularly. She warms me to the core - she is so sweet and funny and amazing. She is eighty something, still cooks for herself, has a facebook page (or used to 'til it got hacked), always has painted nails and there is not a speck of dust in her little apartment. Not a speck! She always has cookies or hot chocolate or pudding for us. And she says the best things, like "Bingo! There goes McGinny!" when Lily drops her cookie on the floor.

A few days ago Lily and I went for a long drive in the country. We ended up at the temple. We shared a peanut butter sandwich that I had packed, and a perfect apple. It was drizzly and gray, not picnic weather at all. But we walked the beautiful, quiet grounds and absorbed some of the goodness of the temple by osmosis, I think; I was hoping for that. Lily twirled and twirled in her sparkly gold shoes. She is so happy. She doesn't worry about anything. I want to be more like her.

* I mowed my lawns yesterday afternoon and looooooved it. That smell of fresh cut grass, it is happiness. I am so thankful for another growing season.

* I got these glasses in Utah. They are quite large and very fake and quite a bit ridiculous, but I kind of love them. Plus, my sister and my sister in law got a pair too, so it's kind of a solidarity thing. I put them on when I got home and Nate pulled me close and smooched me good and whispered, "i always wanted to kiss a girl with glasses."

well then. i think i'll wear them tomorrow.


  1. Your braid is SO thick and lovely! Oh to have thick, luscious hair!? :)
    I'm so glad my commented lifted your spirits a bit. I sure love you, dear.

  2. This post made me smile. Love you, my friend!