Leaves with Tree; You With Me

She & Me

2012-01-29T20:15:00.001-08:00

while henry's at school we run errands
and exercise (me) and watch a movie (she)
and tidy up
and make our beds
and do laundry

and usually about late morning, after we've showered and crossed off the most pressing to-do's, we settle down on the floor in the front room and we do puzzles

and we play a few rounds of guess who (her favorite game)

it is good, good time

Progress {?}

2012-01-25T09:54:00.000-08:00

reminder: this was week one

this is the end of week three (i think)

it still hurts.

Catching Up: New Years Trip to the Coast

2012-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

a few days after christmas, we packed up the big cars and headed out to the coast - our favorite place to get away. we had the best time. seriously, the best time.

we played on the beach and savored the beauty of the coast - we were spoiled with some beautiful beachy weather some of the time. (and the other days we were happy to hunker inside with books, movies, games and each other).

these funny little ponies lived just a few doors down from where we stayed...we walked over and visited them every day. so charming. there is just a different rhythm to life on the coast. it feels slower and fresher. i could stay all year.

on new year's eve, we drank bubbly and talked about 2012:
stretching, running, being more kind, doing hard things, journaling, overcoming the less savory parts of ourselves, what the year will bring - new love, new babies, graduations...

we laughed a lot. and just loved being together. wasn't the same without rob & ashley though...hopefully they'll be able to make it next year.

we hiked cape sebastian - so amazing. (bad, blurry picture...sorry.)

we played christmas bingo (thanks to grandma nan), and heads up seven up, and golf (the card game), and a few rounds of beyond balderdash. and one late night game of make me laugh. and seriously, i don't know when i've ever laughed that hard...it hurt. but it was so, so fun to just let go of all our inhibitions and laugh our guts out. lauren, i can't believe you still like us after that -- you are such a good sport ;)

we cooked and ate the best food, had pool tournaments, watched movies together, went for morning jogs and boiled our guts in the HOT tub. every night when we gathered for dinner we took note of our abundance, especially what we feel for each other. we thanked god for it and we marveled at how totally lucky and blessed we are.

the good stuff

2012-01-23T08:50:00.001-08:00

friday night we went to an eagle scout court of honor for one of nate's young men.

saturday afternoon henry wanted to pretend like he was a scout. very cute :)

he came up with several different merit badges and drew them all in tiny circles on a blank sheet of paper. he wanted ribbons too, for his sleeves. i helped him design those.

then i helped him cut the tiny badges out and pinned them on his "scout shirt." he told me: "the yellow badge is for ok boys, but the green badge is only for really good boys." i told him that scouts have to earn their badges and suggested he clean up all his legos in the playroom to earn that green badge. "great idea, mom!" he said, dashing off to the playroom.
uh...that was awesome. what other badges can i come up with to encourage such willing cooperation?

scout's honor ;)

saturday night henry asked to wear his scout shirt to church the next day, but when he woke up sunday morning all he could think about was NOT wanting to take a shower and NOT wanting to go to church. and plunge! we were back into the tedious negotiations and persuasions that are becoming a much more frequent part of our days.

but the marker-crafted scout badges? that is the kind of stuff i live for as a mom. those are some of the most redeeming, transcendent moments. when their innocence and goodness shine so blindingly bright that for a moment that is all there is.

2012 Family Goals / january introspection

2012-01-17T00:40:00.000-08:00

all kinds of stretching going on around these parts :)

our goals are written up on a piece of paper and magnet-ed to the fridge, but that piece of paper will probably get lost. so i want to have them documented here, too. this is not an attempt to make anyone think we're pious or neat. we're not. i just want to be able to read back over them in a few months to see if, in addition to surviving the day, we're making any progress toward loftier aspirations. one thing we've been doing that's working well (nate's idea, most of the good ones are :) is taking the list down every monday night and evaluating our progress. for some of the broader, more nebulous goals, we try to set a smaller, measurable weekly goal to help us stay on track.

here's what we're working on:

*have a gospel sharing home
*read book of mormon every morning with kids before school
*be able to do the splits (daily stretch)
*Em: help kids be more polite, more thankful & more responsible
*Em&Henry: read together for 30 minutes after school
*Em&Henry: be able to do a pull-up
*think of others more than we think of ourselves
*Nate: be early
*Family Home Evening every week
*Em&Nate: weekly date

so far we're doing pretty well. (of course we are, it's january 16th.) except my shoulder is really sore and i'm losing hope for a pull up. and nate had a campout with the young men this weekend, so our date night happened at subway. with the kids. and my father in law. it was romantic ;)

i'm not sure if it's january and goal setting, or just what, but my brain is dizzy with introspection and evaluation, and effort to make plans that will yield progress. i'm always prone to anxiety, but for the past couple of weeks i've felt plagued by it. i just think and worry and put pressure on myself and analyze and wonder and question and, and, and...until i feel halted and unsure about how to proceed.

so i'm trying to relax; i've never had to be so deliberate about it.

i've started listening to this meditation every day (sometimes several times) to help me put my thoughts in the right place. i think it is so beautiful. it is helping me so much to direct my energy towards the kind of person i want to be and the kind of life i want to create. i am really trying to be more mindful of both of those things - who i want to be. and the life i want to live. i am trying to be more powerful over my thoughts. it takes so much effort to change thought patterns that have been my default for 20+ years. and the introspection and growth are every bit as painful and stretching as trying to do the splits. but it is so invigorating to try. and to have tiny victories. and on the flip side, it is so hard to fail. i had a really bad day with the kids friday. major meltdowns all around. lots of yelling and way too much anger and "uncontrolled words." friday night i felt so defeated and just wretched, really - especially in light of the fact that i'd been committing myself to change and striving for improvement. but the sun shone on saturday and i apologized to my kids and we had a better day. and sunday was pretty good, too. and today was really good. really good.

so tonight i'm feeling hopeful. so thankful for new days and new years and the really wonderful fact that we can change.

Quotable

2012-01-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

i needed to write an e.mail this afternoon so i told the kids they could style my hair while i was sitting at the computer. they used a cold curling iron and a cold straightener. there was a lot of hair pulling and i got kind of cross a few times, to which lily responded matter-of-factly, "do you want yow haow to be cahly or not, mommy?!" (do you want your hair to be curly or not, mommy?!) by the end i was wearing lily's plastic, silver, clip-on cinderella earrings and my hair looked really pretty ;)

just a few recent gems from the mouths of these babes:

last monday when we picked henry up from school, we went straight to barnes and noble to play with the trains and enjoy the children's section. it was nearly dinner time before we left and by the time we got home, henry was starving. right when we got home he pulled out a big pot of leftover rice and started eating giant spoonfuls of it. right from the pot.
i suggested that we make ginger snaps for a family home evening treat and the kids were excited to help. lily promptly walked over to henry, still shoveling rice into his mouth, and said, "you probably shouldn't eat too much rice 'cause you want to save room for...you know" and then she lowered her voice to a whisper and spelled out: "M-i-m-y...cookie dough!" we do a lot of spelling around here, practicing for tests and writing captions on art work and notes to friends -- it's so cute to see her try to fit in. i just love that she thought she had spelled cookie dough - m-i-m-y :)

a few days ago i was eating a handful of nuts and she asked me what kind of nuts they were and i told her they were pecans. and then she asked for some. and a few minutes later while she was eating them, she asked what they were called again. and i reminded her that they're pecans. and then she wrinkled up her nose like she does and she said, "oh! my mouth just gets confused because it wants to call dem cwootons!" (croutons)

on friday when i picked henry up from school, i asked him how his day was (like i always do) and he said, "good!" (like he always does). usually that's the end of it - he doesn't want to be bothered with more conversation, he just wants to dig into his lunch box and eat the things he didn't get to during the lunch hour; he's always in such a hurry to get out to recess. but on friday, he had more to tell me. "mom, i really, really like seth. i like to play with him, it's just that he's kind of slow and i get frustrated that he can't keep up with me. he runs about as fast as i walk." (seth is a little on the chubby side and such a sweet, smart boy) "well, i hope you're really nice to seth, even though he can't keep up with you. maybe you could think of things to do with seth that don't require a lot of running, slower games. that way you won't be frustrated," i suggested.
"yea, but today i prayed that seth will get faster...so hopefully he will," henry told me.
"you prayed for seth to get faster?!" i was so amused. "when did you pray for him?" i asked.
"well, today i got in trouble for talking while we were doing calendar time on the rug and my teacher said i could either stop talking and stay at the rug or go to my desk and put my head down...i chose to go to my desk. and while i was there at my desk with my head down, i thought, i might as well pray for seth. so i just prayed that he'll get faster."

i thought that was just the funniest, cutest, best thing i'd heard in years.

Resolutions

2012-01-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

this year i have two physical resolutions:
1. to stretch my way into the splits
2. to be able to do a pull up (i have never been able to chin myself in my life)

i used to be able to do the splits when i was a little girl, maybe around 8 years old ? since then i've become horribly unflexible. feels like i've got two by fours in my legs. nate and the kids are supporting me so well, they've all decided to try to do the splits, too. or at least to stretch with me every night. henry and lily can practically do them - their little muscles are so supple. we have a nightly family stretch, usually before or after prayers. it's become a favorite time of the day for all of us.

during our first family stretch i shimmied down into as much of a straddle as i could manage and henry chuckled, "come on, mom. go down as far as you can."
"this is it," i grimaced.
"what!?! no. here, i'll push on you so you can go down a little further."
"no! no-no. really, pal...this is as far as i can go...that's why i needed to make this resolution :)"

here's me (and my hot pink socks) on day #4.
next time i'll try to post some pics of the family stretch (it's so cute)...i just had nate snap these pics with my phone the other night so i could come back in a month or so and see if i'm making any progress.

i've got a long way to go for the splits, but i really enjoy the stretching. i think i need to make it part of my permanent life.

i think i'm actually making more notable progress on the pull ups, but i hate doing them. i dread it. the only good part is that nate holds my feet while i do them (he has to help me) and he's a really great cheer leader.

i've got other resolutions, too. ones with more substance. i'll probably mention those here, too...maybe another night.

beauty parlor

2012-01-05T13:56:00.000-08:00

been feeling a little sad and down for the past few days. it's a combination of things. mostly hormones, i think. and maybe a little post-holiday blues. i felt so purposeful in preparation for christmas - there were guests to prepare for and welcome, decorations to place, meals to plan, a trip to pack for, visitors to anticipate, presents to purchase and wrap. i was whisked up and carried along in the spin of holiday energy. but the spinning has stopped and i can't quite find my place in the stillness. i'm happy about jaunary and resolutions and new beginnings; i've got a list of goals magnet-ed to my fridge. but i feel uncertain about some things and am having a hard time feeling defined and purposeful. i'm sure things will click into place soon.

but this morning a little ray of inspiration broke through my mental fog. and i knew that i needed to do something special with lily. no errands, no chores. something just for her. so i asked her if she would like me to paint her nails. her eyes got big..."ooooh, dat sounds like fun!"
we grabbed the cotton balls and the finger nail clippers and chose a few colors. red for her fingers and pink for her toes, she decided. i did my very best to keep the polish on her tiny nails. i loved listening to her dainty breath as she did her very best to hold still.
we had such a fun time.

when i finished painting, i told her to be very still while i went to get the hair dryer. after i blew on her nails for a few minutes she asked if she could "hair blow dry" my hair. i agreed. she did a great job, very gentle and patient. it was good to spend the morning with my girl, really seeing her and delighting in her and spoiling her with time and love and remembering how completely precious she is.

Engagement Photos / Helen + Samuel

2012-01-03T22:07:00.001-08:00

when helen asked if i would take their engagement photos i was:

a) honored

b) excited!!

and c) completely terrified

i wanted to do a good job so badly, but i am not a photographer and just kept fretting over how i'd be able to capture something worthy of such a beautiful, stylish couple.

i read a bunch of articles on how to take good engagement photos. i searched photography blogs and pinterest for inspiration. i even brought a folded up sheet of scribbled notes and pose sketches in my back pocket. but when i pulled it out for inspiration it just seemed like chicken scratch and didn't help at all.

luckily, helen and samuel were natural and wonderful. my nerves calmed down and the afternoon evolved perfectly. we had so much fun.

and glory be! we ended up with some nice pictures. here are a few more than a few of my favorites:

*helen's idea (seen on pinterest, i believe :)

*helen's idea :)

my sister showed me a picture like this and i thought it was kind of a cute idea. i love the light and just the overall happiness :)

helen and samuel, we couldn't be happier for you!

Part II - Christmas Festivities

2012-01-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

christmas is so magical with children. nate and i sat in the living room on the 26th after all the gifts had been unwrapped and the holiday hurricane of guests and parties had mostly subsided and the decor was pretty much put away (i got a little compulsive this year...it was just starting to feel like clutter to me) and we almost cried at the thought of christmas without little ones. they are so excitable and their joy is so genuine.

in keeping with tradition, PJ Elf came on christmas eve and brought the children new pajamas. flannel separates for henry and a nightgown for lily. she looked like a little christmas angel in that soft ivory flannel. we put some cookies out for santa and some carrots for the reindeer and then we snuggled the littles into bed and henry was literally shaking with excitement. "i don't know how i'll ever sleep!" he exclaimed. "well, you'd better figure out a way 'cause santa doesn't come until the children are all asleep," i reminded him. somehow the excitement gave way to slumber and thankfully, santa found us :)

one thing that made christmas extra special this year was that nate's whole family was in town. we hosted christmas dinner for 20 at our house (we had plenty of help with the food!) and it was so wonderful having everyone under one roof. we had a gift exchange, enjoyed a delicious candle-lit meal and then lingered around the table and shared some meaningful experiences from 2011, talked about the things we are thankful for and looked ahead with goals and anticipation for 2012. we finished up the evening with a few carols, dessert, and a rousing game of mafia. didn't get any good pictures of the people who sat around it, but the shot above is what the table looked like.

we were lucky enough to host auntie hellie and soon-to-be-uncle samuel at our place for a few nights. we loved having them. we especially loved getting to know samuel - we were impressed and impressed by him. he was so kind to our kids, such a gracious guest and so sweet to helen. we are so excited for the may wedding!

All the things we've done - Part I

2012-01-03T20:20:00.000-08:00

i got the sweetest gift for christmas. truly, the sweetest. my darling sister, kate, and my darling sister in law, lauren, compiled every bit of my blog archive into two large beautifully bound volumes. i've intended to do that for years, but always got overwhelmed by the task (4 years is a lot of blogging). they spent so much time on the project, each of them tackling two years of material! and they compiled it all so wonderfully. the gesture warmed me as much as the actual gift. i loved being able to flip through pages and pages of our family story and see the pictures and remember the cadence of our days. but the thing that touched me most deeply was just the realization of what they'd done for me. what they'd spent and sacrificed. all the time the headaches (poor lauren got all the content slurped up and mostly formatted and then lost it all and had to start over!) i felt so undeserving and so thankful. every time i see those books i want to be a more thoughtful, giving person. i could really gush on and on about this, but i'll move along to the relevant point, which is this: i am so glad i've kept this blog. my motivation has waxed and waned and shifted and changed, but thankfully, through the various stages of intent, it's remained a fairly consistent story of our family - the story i love most of all. and one i want to keep telling, probably forever. so...

we were so busy living all the wonderful moments of december, i didn't have much time for blogging. so i'm going to try to do a blitz of christmas catch up.

i helped with henry's class party just before winter break. we had such a fun time! his teacher started the day by dimming the classroom lights, setting all the chairs up in two rows like a train (she even had little battery-powered tea-light candles aside each row like floor lighting :) and she read the polar express to the children by the light of a conductor's lantern. she looked so cute in her conductor's hat...there could not have been a more enchanting way to start the party. the kids got to make candy trains, decorate christmas cookies and make a couple of holiday crafts. in the afternoon all of the first grade classes got to go to the gym for chocolate milk and a showing of the polar express. lucky, lucky!

lily got to come, too :) she had fun making a jingle bell necklace and mrs. droesch gave her the demo train she had made. again - lucky, lucky!

it was so great to wake up on monday the 19th and smile because...no school!!! that night for family night we invited grandpa eldon over and made up little bags of cutie oranges and attached tags that said "orange you glad we're friends/family/neighbors? we are!!" and took them around to our friends/family/neighbors. henry begged to doorbell ditch them, so we did :) it was so fun to hop in and out of the warm van on a chilly night, while dean martin and frank sinatra crooned carols in the background.

on my mind

2011-12-06T20:26:00.000-08:00

(i wrote this on tuesday night): tonight we ate dinner by candlelight. just to make things a little bit magical. lily was so enchanted. she kept saying, "i just love these candles!" it was special. and a little hectic (as most deviations from normal are with small ones). i tried not to serve anyone the portion of the pot pie that was dribbled with wax drippings.

after dinner we read a few chapters from the BFG (big friendly giant). roald dahl is a genius and i adore him. henry and i threw our heads back in laughter several times and i was amazed and amazed by the creativity, words like strawbunkles, snozzcumbers and cattlepiddlers. it is so fantastic. and also very sweet and thought provoking, too. at least that is my assessment at page 67. i will keep you posted as we progress. reading chapter books out loud with henry (lily doesn't really get into them very much) has been one of the greatest joys of parenthood thus far.

and speaking of books - i just finished star girl (jerry spinelli). and i loved it. i stayed up way too late reading it a few nights ago and then made myself sick on the treadmill the next morning, reading it some more. i was a prisoner - a happily distracted and word-drunk one. star girl (the character) is a gem. i'm thinking about her still, wanting to channel more of her uniqueness and integrity.

recently, henry told us about how some of the kids in his class are "so small! i mean, like, john...he's itsy. and mariah? she's a mouse! and annat...she's practically a flea!" he said it all with such incredulity; i was so amused.

in most ways, henry is just like other kids. and in a few ways, he lags behind his peers. but there is a tiny collection of ways in which i think henry sparkles, where that little soul of his really excels at humanity. it is delightful to watch those parts of him emerge. i am starting to see a few unique proclivities taking shape in his sister, too. it's thrilling. i don't think my children are uniquely gifted in this regard; i think this is the birthright of every one of god's children. but it's something i think about often - whether or not i am really recognizing my childrens' gifts and coming to the day with enough love and light to nurture them.

one last funny thing: my kids have advent calendars with a waxy piece of chocolate behind each little door (you know the ones) and henry is so conscientious about opening up the door that corresponds to the day and only eating one chocolate. and lily has been, too...until today. apparently her sweet tooth got the better of her and she ate every last piece of chocolate in that calendar. (i was taking a little nap...) i came out and just burst out laughing when i saw their little advent calendars laying side by side on the living room floor - henry's with precisely 7 empty spots and lily's - completely devoured, every last door ajar, every chocolate gone! i asked her what happened to all her chocolates. "i eat dem," she told me, matter of factly. "but you're only supposed to have one each day," i reminded her. "but i just willy wanted a lot of shocolate...dat's why i just eat dem alllll!"

so funny. i love that girl!

mostly just for fun

2011-12-05T23:10:00.000-08:00

image from ruffled (i think)

i love seeing what my friends are doing in their homes. you guys inspire me. i also like seeing the sources of their inspiration. recently, a few of my friends have asked me about my inspiration, and what i'm doing creatively in my home right now. truth is: not much :) other than trying to be clever about ways to get my children to cooperate and play nice. given that we're renting our home right now, and will probably relocate to a more permanent locale at some point in the next year, i'm not super motivated to invest time or money into doing projects around here. i've charmed this place up just enough to feel happy and at home, and now i guess my mind is kind of thinking about and planning our next space. so i've been gathering up ideas.

what i should really do is get on pinterest. and i will someday.
but for now, i've been collecting a little inspiration file in iPhoto. dorky, i know :)
and i started an ideabook over at Houzz.com. there's a little gadget over there on the sidebar - if you want to browse through the ideas i like (all four of them :)...feel free. who knows when or if i'll ever get to use any of these ideas, but it's been fun collecting them.

here are a few things i think are cool:

spotted here

shutters on the window

row of hooks

i need to do a better job of keeping track of sources. sorry.
where are you getting inspiration?

Catching Up: A list

2011-11-30T08:26:00.000-08:00

berries. or crabapples?
snapped this on a nature walk with the kids a few weeks ago; i think it's just right for this time of year.

:: thanksgiving was really wonderful. as usual, my parents gathered many people who didn't have a place to go. the assortment of folks was amusing and sweet. most tender: stan, who after many years in prison, hasn't spent a holiday in a home, with a family, for more than 30 years. his comment upon leaving was: "this was better than disneyland for me." after dinner, we sang christmas carols around the fire - accompanied by freedom (our cute samoan friend) and elder perkins (the sweetest missionary on the planet) on their ukeleles. very charming.

:: i was in charge of rolls (102 of them), pies and green beans this year. i spent the entire morning in the kitchen doing just those 3 things; i don't know if i'll ever be able to pull off an entire thanksgiving by myself.

:: i spent the week before thanksgiving putting together thank you gifts for nate's clients. it was a big, fun project. homemade wheat bread and honey butter for the locals, harry & david truffles for the far-away's. as i put together each parcel, i felt so proud of nate for what all his hard work has yielded. we are so, so thankful.

:: i put henry back in school. whatever we were gaining in academic progress was not worth what we were sacrificing in our relationship. too much conflict. so far, he's doing great. it's been a wrenching few weeks for me, though. lots of doubt and second-guessing (this decision in particular, and my mothering instincts and abilities in general). and so much tenderness for my boy. he is a gem. the other day when i picked him up, he got in the car and he and lily immediately started goofing around. before long, she was in stitches - laughing hysterically about something he'd done. then he said: "aw, i missed that cute little giggle while i was at school for 6 hours!" she misses him terribly while he's gone. but as soon as he gets home, they always seem to find something to fight about. best frienemies, those two :)

:: saturday after thanksgiving we hiked up roxyann as a family. hiking is my favorite thing. really, there's nothing that makes my heart beat with joy like being outside, up above the world, in the fresh air, using my body to do something hard and wonderful. we stopped at donut country for some pre-hike fuel beforehand. the kids were much more excited about hiking when the promise of a donut was attached. lily chose sprinkles, of course - that girl loves anything with ruffles, sprinkles, sparkles...the fancier the better. we tried to take a picture for our christmas card, but they all turned out blurry.

:: the other day lily asked, "mom, if i was like wendy on petah pan, and i growed up, would you still weed me stowies?" i told her even if she lived for a hundred years, i'd always be happy to read her a story. speaking of stories, we checked "corduroy" out from the library and i probably read it to lily thirty times. she loved it. she also loves the "olivia" books. good taste, lil.

a favorite picture from our saturday hike; i think lily does half her life with both feet off the ground; this shot is so representative, (except she's almost always wearing a skirt.) so much energy and zest and joy.

:: i have yet to join the mayhem of black friday shopping, but i've been scoring some great deals online and am more and more convinced of the virtues of internet commerce. so easy and comfortable and awesome. but also easy to get carried away and sucked in. last night nate looked at me with a twinge of disgust in his eyes, "is online shopping becoming your new hobby?" it's mostly just online browsing...but still. i've got to reign it in.

:: anticipating the transition of nate moving into an office. should be into their new place by the first of the year. i'm excited for him, but we'll totally miss having him at home. will be interesting to settle into that new normal.

:: also thinking about how to keep christmas simple and authentic this year - i don't want it to get puffed up with materialism and the gimme's. that's a challenge with little kids who get wide-eyed with the magic of santa and presents. hopefully we can find a balance that feels appropriate and still magical.

:: sunday afternoon we sat by the fire and read the nativity story in luke. my kids acted out the narrative with our nativity figures. then we sang "the friendly beasts." i adore that book. and the sound of my children singing is the sweetest of all.
i have no idea what the future holds for our family, i've given up trying to figure it out. of course, my heart still longs for more babies, but in that little space of time, reading those precious christmas stories, i looked at our small family and i felt whole and satisfied.

:: as usual, i feel like this barely scratches the surface of what i'm really thinking and feeling. life is so deep and complex. there are so many people to care for and love. so many complications in relationships and responsibilities. so much that weighs on my heart that can't be shared here. but this is a tiny taste...

Posted

2011-11-13T22:56:00.001-08:00

henry's been getting all kinds of inspiration from the books we read. most recently, inspired by "best friends for frances," he decided he wanted to make a "no girls allowed sign." so he went to work with his tools (he has such a hankering for construction, we got him his own set) searching for just the right components in his pile of scrap lumber (we're lucky to have a cabinet maker for a friend). the whole process was just so darling - what is it about a little boy with a hammer? it just seems so quintessential and proper. also cute: he made an extra sign for lily. so friday afternoon we pulled out the paints and finished up the signs.

lily felt so happy to be included.
could henry be any cuter with a hammer in his "tool belt" and that too-small stetson?
i love them!

only trouble is we don't really have a place to put them. i feel like we need to build his/her clubhouses now...

this is just the sort of thing that makes me die to think about their childhood ending.

Halloween

2011-11-13T22:42:00.000-08:00

Henry: ninja (as you can see he took his ninja duties very seriously)
Lily: purple fairy ("pah-pul fahwie")

They were so darling.

And happily, the cute Halloween dress my grandma made for Lily last halloween still fit! Even the striped puddle jumpers. We trick or treated with cousins and had ourselves a great time.

nitty gritty

2011-11-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

if i listed all that's been going on in the last few weeks i might get a few sympathy phone calls/comments. i'm not pandering for either, just keepin' it real on the ol' blog. this afternoon was horrendous at our house - i won't go into it, but i felt like mom-scum and henry threw a fit the likes of which i have never before experienced from a child that is my own. it was especially shocking coming from him, the darling boy who has dazzled me with his calm, easy-going mellow from birth. i love him so much. so, so much. i hated seeing him so upset, knowing that i had imposed the consequence. but he had chances and choices. and as much as i wanted to go in and give hugs and renegotiate - i felt like what he really needed was to be yanked out of turd-ville and back to the reality of finishing what you start and being respectful to your mother. still, i had to separate myself from the situation, so lily and i slipped out for an evening of errands. by the time we got home, henry had calmed down and was back to his good-natured self. i'm still wondering if i handled the situation appropriately. i've been second guessing my parenting more lately than ever before. i find myself wondering whether it's six-and-a-half or the unique dynamic of homeschooling that has ushered in some new challenges between us. maybe both? in any case, we've had some rough parenting waters to navigate recently. that weighs on me. i really just prefer to be pals with my kids. i'm not very good at discipline, it's not that i'm unwilling, i honestly just feel unprepared to handle it well. it seems that when i know i should be intervening with correction, i either find myself slack-jawed and speechless, not knowing how to appropriately respond. or frustrated and irrational - the too-loud crazy lady spitting threats like sunflower seeds.
speaking of frustrated and crazy...homeschool is so hard. just terribly hard. and i feel like it's really changing the relationship between henry and me...and i loved that relationship so much, it was precious and rare and almost completely void of conflict. it's different now. he sees me in the morning and recoils because now mom=math (or spelling or reading or fill-in-the-blank hard thing that he doesn't want to do). so even though i make a mighty effort to be cheerful and diplomatic, there is just a tension that settles in as soon as i announce that it's time to get started with school. i'm constantly wrestling with whether i should just relax, let it all be fun, and give him more control, or hold the reins a little tighter, help him learn about discipline and focus and keep our school experience resembling traditional school where possible (because the plan is definitely to integrate back into public school...maybe quite soon. maybe even thursday if tomorrow is wretched (wink!)). i feel like the tiger mother in me is at war with the unicorn mother. (ha! that's funny to me) - structure vs. creativity, freedom and exploration vs. follow the curriculum. we undulate between the extremes, trying to stay somewhere near the middle.
happily, he is making huge strides with reading. big, beautiful bounds! (we've been learning about alliteration - i laugh when i hear lily teaching her dollies about "litter-nation" - she picks up so much!) it is so thrilling to listen to him read whole stories and think "we did that together!" that is happy and beautiful.
math is not. which is so strange to me because he is so good at math. his mind grasps the concepts so quickly and he lays in bed at night and thinks about how 100 is ten times bigger than 10 and six is three times as much as two. he runs out of his room, squinty eyed and thrilled, to tell me these things. but in the morning, he moans over subtraction facts, sometimes absolutely refusing to do any of it. i've never had that kind of defiance from him. ever. i know...lucky. it's so foreign to me. i think he is asserting autonomy. needing to feel powerful and separate. and i want to allow for that. but i feel completely ill-equipped (like i mentioned above). i just sit there at the school table, shocked and fumbling for the appropriate response. take away a priviledge? what do you take away from a kid who doesn't watch TV, doesn't play video games, is perfectly content to play by himself in the playroom (ie doesn't care if there's a friend or not)? these past few months have stripped away all my mother pride and left me shivering in the face of my own inadequacy. humbling, indeed. i could honestly write essays, a blog in its entirety, devoted to my feelings on homeschooling, and the tendrils of effect i see creeping into other aspects of life, but i think i've said enough for one sitting. i still think there is beautiful potential in homeschooling - and i think it is a magnificent choice. i'm just not sure it's the right choice for us. i'm glad we've been down this road, though. i needed to do it to know.
actually, let me just say a bit more - on the positive side (there is one). my kids are memorizing the articles of faith so beautifully and loving it so much. i love having time at the breakfast table to do that. they also loooovve doing art together. i'm so thankful that we have time for art projects and that they get to encourage each other's creativity. also, the good, connected moments of learning with henry are absolutely transcendent. i treasure them. they are sublime, better than i imagined. i'm just not sure they're worth the complications i addressed above. let me also say that i am sure i am doing many, many things wrong. i'm sure a lot of dysfunction in our classroom is my fault. i'm not trying to blame henry or homeschool or anything else - just confessing to the hardness of it, realizing full well that i'm probably responsible for much of that.

in other, happier news, i feel like nate and i are pushing the limits of bliss. i know that sounds horribly cheesy, but really, we have been so honest with each other lately and so gentle and so happy and thankful. and it is magnificent. i know i just used this word to describe the learning experiences i've shared with henry, but nate and i have had some moments together that have felt very transcendent...like we've crossed new thresholds of understanding and appreciation. it has been lovely. this deep connection and intense affinity makes me feel so thankful that we've stayed in the yoke together when the trail's been muckier and the passion's been dimmer. all the effort and compromise and service and sacrifice and difficult communication and, and, and...it is all so, so worth it.

also, i had a little surgery on my lip/gum on monday morning and good gauze balls! my mouth has been tender. all i can eat is soup and oatmeal (people keep suggesting smoothies and frosties, but i've been cold and that stuff just sounds saccharine and harsh). i figure it'll be a few more days of pain and then i'll be munching on cap'n crunch and doritos ;) the thing i'm missing most is being able to read stories to the kids - really. it's always a happy, calm part of the day. will be nice when i'm not talking like a ventriloquist anymore -- it's already getting better. we could read Quick as a Cricket tomorrow (only a couple words/page). Mike Mulligan will have to wait 'til next week :)

also, last week (while nate was out of town on a week-long business trip and i was missing him very much and having the worst homeschool week on record,) i crashed our two-week old van into my neighbor's garbage can. of course, trash spilled out everywhere and i felt awesome getting out and gathering up wheaties boxes and plastic baggies off the lawn. but it was really lame to look over at the van and see the huge dent in the fender. honestly? from hitting a rubber garbage can going 3 mph?! i must have hit it at just the right angle to pin it against the curb and cause maximum damage. here's something: when the world ends, i know exactly where i want to be - crouched inside a "rogue disposal" waste receptacle (safest place on earth), that garbage can didn't have a scratch on it. when i called to tell nate what happened he was very kind about it, his only response being, "i can't even begin to imagine how you did that much damage crashing into gloria's garbage can. Em, that sounds like something a blind 95 year old would do." i can already laugh about it - how can you not laugh about something so ridiculous?
nate's still nonplussed.

oh, life! it is insane and awesome and hard and really very great. i am learning so much, especially in the humbling hard stuff.

i listened to a bit of the messiah (here) on the treadmill this morning and joy just welled up from my bones. my toes are starting to tingle with holiday cheer. so exciting to be on the cusp of such a magical time of year.

xo

this life/this space/this weekend

2011-10-25T22:13:00.001-07:00

images from our saturday hike

my mind is bursting-full of thoughts. meaty stuff that i think you care about, too. even if you're not thinking about it right now. and i keep thinking, 'one of these evenings i'm going to sit down and really give some time and energy to writing out some of these thoughts...' but then i get to the evening and by the time the kids are quiet and the dishes are done and the phone calls are returned and the legos and dollies are put away for the night, my energy is gone. and instead of giving voice to my own stories, i just read yours. or look at your pinterest boards. or fall into bed like tired timber. or lay on my back and plug my ear buds into my ears and listen to something fascinating - which only adds to the thought traffic.

but even when i'm not that tired, when i have energy for cleaning and planning and texting my sister 'til too late at night - i just haven't had the guts for writing anything very transparent or exploratory lately. not sure why. i don't feel flat or blunted in my real life (a little overwhelmed by myriad things, maybe?) still, there's plenty of passion and joy. there's a lot of mellow too. a lot of calm and contentment with who i am, where we are, what's in store. i feel like i keep bumping into that comfort, that deeper self-knowledge, and feeling startled that it's here - lingering. i certainly haven't been on a quest for it - it seems to have just distilled gradually over a long stretch of time, and in the last few months i've realized quite a nice dew of self-awareness and self-acceptance has accumulated. it feels both natural and foreign. natural because it's me; foreign because it hasn't always been like this. i'm used to more angst, more fickleness, more concern for external evaluations and expectations. this is not to say that i am some paragon of authenticity and confidence. hardly. but there's more here now than there has been. and if there is more of this that awaits me in my thirties, the threshold of that new decade seems less foreboding.
the reason i bring up that confusing mess of cognition is because i used to feel (create?) external motivation to write. i read back over the evolution of this blog and want to cringe about some of it. whose voice was that? i wonder. i've nearly deleted certain selections from the archives. but that censorship wouldn't be authentic either. and the voice that seems so contrived and forced to me now, was authentic in that season - if nothing else, evidence of the fact that i was trying to find a truer voice.
so what is my point here? i guess i'm just trying to get to the bottom of what really motivates me to share in this space. and revisiting the predicament of how authentic one can really be on a blog. the best stuff of the blogosphere (or any sphere), the stuff that really matters and moves me in significant ways, is real and raw. but again...guts. (sigh) complicated.

at the top: yay! we did it!

anyway...totally unrelated: we hiked as a family this weekend. it was beautiful. right at first the kids needed lots of coaxing and there was plenty of complaining. i wilted inside and started to wonder what we were thinking bringing two little people up a mountain. but nate and i got creative with all manner of diversions and challenges and pretty soon we were all so swallowed up in the fun of being together and the beauty of the "fall time leaves" and the energy in our burning muscles that we forgot about murmuring and just collected rocks and smiled and climbed.

it was wonderful.

she likes to dress herself :)

also at the front of my mind: i am so thankful to be able to hear all the things lily says. a few nights ago, i read a very tender story about a little girl with rett syndrome who lost her ability to speak during her second year of life. sometimes lily talks my face off and i start looking forward to the quiet of the post-beditme evening at about 3:00 in the afternoon. but the other night after i read that article, i went into lily's room and kissed her face and thanked god that i get to hear every single thing she's ever thought about. because seriously, those little lips speak more sunshine into my life than i deserve. today at costco she got about an inch from my face and looked right into my eyes and said in the goofiest little voice, 'i like you willy, willy, wiiilllyy much, mommy!'

sometimes i get mired in the hard, heavy stuff and think, "why me/us?"

other days (most days) i stagger at the abundance and wonder the same thing in reverse. "how can i possibly have all this? why me/us?"

xo

Catching up: Family Reunion '11

2011-10-18T21:00:00.000-07:00

all the pictures in this post are from our family reunion at the coast this summer - not very timely, but fun all the same. and the sentiment that goes along with them is totally fresh: i adore my family. each of them is so neat and kind and fun. we have enormous amounts of fun together. we laugh a lot. and we usually cry, too (at least a few of us do). this time it was over kate's slideshow of her recent trip to ecuador. there just aren't many things that sadden my heart like the reality of children being abused or even just not loved enough. the stories she told us were heart-breaking. all the way home from the coast i prodded nate to start the adoption process-"i think that little Paul (pronounced Pa-ool) belongs with me," i kept telling him. "i love him already."

a few more details: we spent 3 days at the coast. so fun and beautiful and relaxing. i loved getting to know my sister in laws better. it's fun to watch our little group expand. i hope they know how much we love them and how thankful we feel to have them in our family.

we played boys vs. girls soccer on the beach (so fun!), made delicious food, celebrated rob's birthday (we have a little birthday tradition of going around the table and each saying something we love about the birthday boy/girl...i love that. it is sweet to hear what each person notices and appreciates about whoever we're celebrating.) we sang hymns, took a personality test, went to church all together, played bean-boozled and pool, and soaked up all the extra happy laying around.

tuesday afternoon we drove into portland to catch les miserables at 7:00. it was beautiful, spiritual, incredible, magical. a totally amazing performance. and then we listened to the sound track for a solid week afterward. duh.

wednesday morning we went our separate ways, some back to work, others off to camps/other engagements. ryan & lauren and our little family checked out voodoo donuts. it was sensational and fun, but i thought the donuts were just average. then we went to IKEA (hell on earth for nate) and got some stuff for our school room. and just like that the fun was over. sad.

greatest thing: there will always be more fun with our bunch. our lastest scheme for family fun is learning to play stringed instruments (twangy ones). rob's taken up the banjo. he learns songs and then plays them for us in voicemail messages. cute. halley and my dad are playing the guitar together most evenings. double cute. i'd like to take some sort of lessons with henry, (guitar or banjo?) he's totally on board. i'm sure that enthusiasm will last until he actually has to start practicing). sounds cute to learn together but it will probably be hairy and insane. lauren already strums like a siren. and ryan's already commissioned uncle ben to build him a mandolin...so he'll be joining the hootenanny too. everyone else will be on vocals, claps or the tambourine :)

family, if you're reading: this is me blowing you a hundred kisses.

and saying i love you. i miss you. i think you're the best ever...

xoxo
em

Fresh Courage Take

2011-10-05T22:18:00.000-07:00

art time is always happy. always.

it was a rough morning. the way of homeschool (for us, anyway) seems to be high, happy peaks and low, desperate valleys. this morning was a valley. each of us was in tears at some point. and at one point, i think all three of us (henry, lily and i) were crying in unison. we were rushing. i wanted to make it to a luncheon i had been invited to. henry was having a hard time focusing (not unusual). i was trying to multi-task ("you do these math problems while I get dressed and put on some make-up.") it all added up to hurt feelings and unmet expectations and a big pile of sad. also: nate and i had failed to sync our days and were both expecting to use the car at the same time. the short of it is that instead of enjoying a lovely lunch with the ladies like i had anticipated, twelve o'clock found me at home, in my pajamas (still!), crying and car-less.
then my mom called. or maybe i called her; i can't remember. and i cried to her about everything that was wrong with my morning. and twenty minutes later she and my cute dad were at my house with two cars (one for me to use and one for them to drive home in), loading up my kids, hugging me and telling me to "go, have a fun time. relax. we'll take the kids."

what do you do in response to such angelic kindness?

you cry a little more about it. because how could you not?
i felt so touched, and humbled, and encouraged and supported.

and then, as i was driving along, feeling already tender and thankful, "come, come ye saints" started playing on the iPod, my favorite arrangement, too. i thought about this poem:

Pioneers
Carol Lynn Pearson

My people were Mormon pioneers
Is the blood still good?
Truth flew by like a dove
And dropped a feather in the west
Where truth flies, you follow, if you are a pioneer.
I have searched the skies
And now and then another feather has fallen.
I have packed the handcart again,
Packed it with the precious things
And thrown away the rest.
I will sing by the fires out there on that uncharted ground.
Where I am my own captain of tens
Where I blow the bugle
Bring myself to morning prayer
Map out the miles,
And never know where or when or if at all I will finally say,
"this is the place."
I face the plains on a good day for walking.
The sun rises
And the mist clears
I will be alright,
My people were Mormon pioneers.

i cried a little more (of course). and for a few minutes in the car i felt a sense of "my people" - my grandmothers and their mothers and theirs, and i was completely overwhelmed and totally humbled to imagine a connection, of blood and faith, to those strong, gentle, remarkable women.

the day got better. the evening was busy. i came home from a late presidency meeting and an already-bedded-down, squinty-eyed boy shuffled out for goodnight hugs. "close your eyes, mom," he insisted as he grabbed my hand and led me into the front room.
"ok, now you can open them."
he had been busy coloring - and there was a brilliant dragon and a brave knight to show for it.
"dad did the knight, but i did the dragon all by myself."
they were both exquisite. while i tucked him into bed i apologized for the morning, for getting impatient during math time. he was so forgiving and sweet and asked if i thought "we could maybe go to target tomorrow and get that ninja sword?" hmmmm? was he capitalizing on my contrition?

even if he was, i love him.
tomorrow's friday...all is well :)

The Great Pumpkin Harvest

2011-10-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

my mom planted lots of pumpkins this year. they wrapped their tendrils around all the nearby bushes and erupted in big orange blossoms, which evolved into bright, round pumpkins. watching those pumpkins swell, i could feel my soul ripening for autumn. sunday evening a chilly wind blew in. gray clouds settled over the valley. the sky's been spitting rain for 2 days. it seems our weekend pumpkin harvest opened the door for fall and welcomed her right in. we had soup and cornbread for dinner last night. it was cozy. the kids and i read stories by the fireplace this afternoon. nate's been wearing his woolies (socks). our "cider web" (best flavor ever) candles are burning round the clock. i love it. so do the kids.

also...
we loved conference. of course.

i watched the last half of henry's karate class today. i love him so much. he was so cute in there doing his moves - kicks and punches and "Ay-yas!" he is so bright and eager.

lily wandered out into the dim light of the front room a few mornings ago when i was finishing up my time on the treadmill and i couldn't hold back a tickled laugh. she was so sweet and slight and soft in her pink pajamas. and her wild bed head and puffy eyes. and then her feather voice squeaked out a request to "watch a little bit of a show while you do your exercising, mommy?" little sack of sugar, that one. it is so nice to have a little person around.

i don't have much else to say tonight. there is so much going on in life that just can't be blogged about. sometimes i feel like this is just a caricature of real life. but it does help preserve the joy. and we have that in spades...so that's real. and good.

really good.

all the funny things...

2011-09-25T22:34:00.000-07:00

these little people i live with say the funniest things.

helping henry learn to read has been frustrating on occasion. things are falling into place now, but we had some pretty hairy reading sessions together this summer. one day after we finished reading, lily said, 'mom, sometimes when you read with henry, you sound like mother gothel.' (you have to have seen Tangled to understand why that was a jagged little pill to swallow :)

several nights ago we had a magical summer thunderstorm. the kids danced outside 'til they were absolutely soaked (and drenched with delight, too). at one point henry came running in and said, 'mom, if you come outside right now i can give you a sweet mohawk in your hair!' i declined the mohawk, but nate and i did go out to frolic with the kids. and smooch in the rain. we have some pretty special moments in our love-history that happened in the rain :)

packin up to run away

a few weeks ago the kids packed up henry's dog sled (i'll have to tell you the story behind the dog sled - it is so darling) with a huge assortment of their belongings and announced that they were running away. they weren't mad. it wasn't mutiny or rebellion...they just thought it would be fun to run away. i loved it when henry took a little piece of paper with his name, address, and phone number and tied it around his neck with red yarn..."just in case we get lost, someone will know where to bring us," he assured me.

a few days ago i let the kids get some chocolate milk when we went to the grocery store. henry ran to the big fridge at the back of the store and grabbed 2 little bottles. i didn't even look at them 'til we got home and when I was pulling them out to pour the kids a glass of milk, i realized that henry had grabbed mocha milk - frappuccinos, essentially. "darn!" i lamented. "this isn't chocolate milk, it's coffee milk - we're not going to drink these. maybe we can go back to the store later and exchange these for chocolate milks." lily was pretty disappointed. "oh mom, it just breaks my heart that those aren't chocolate milks!"

she has us laughing daily with expressions that are a few sizes too big for her vocabulary. each time i announce that it's time for a nap she has a whole list of things she needs to do first, "homework, learn some school, take care of her babies, make a few phone calls..." and whenever she perceives the slightest injustice she tells me I'm "no fun at all!" and that I "never even let her do anysing!" she's quick to remind henry about "the rules" and to encourage him to make choices that will "help our family." she's also been using the words 'difficult' and 'impressed' a lot lately. the other day while we were doing school, she said, "henwy, i'm so impwessed wiss yow school wowk!" and i overheard her reading a book to herself this weekend, talking about how "sings (things) can be really difficowt!" sometimes i find her curled up under my desk with my phone, sneakily watching little disney video clips on youtube (she loves hakuna matata and the love song from tangled). i'm amazed at how handy she is with my iPhone - it's crazy. she adores music, loves to dance. and a lot of times when she hears a sweet, mellow song she gets snuggly with me and asks, "does this song make you a little bit sad, mom? 'cause it makes me a little bit sad." i think that's the only way she really knows to describe the soft, tender feeling music can bring. we have a pretty lullaby version of "i am like a star shining brightly" (lily loves it) and whenever it comes on she tells me longingly that she wishes she could "sing pwetty like dat lady."

especially dear (to me) is the way she reminds us at every prayer to pray for a baby in our family. even when we're dining away from home, in mixed company, if a blessing is being said over the food, she reminds whoever is praying to "please bless a baby in our family."

as i'm sitting here typing this, the kids are in bed. they share a room and they have the funniest little conversations before they nod off to sleep. (the conversations have been longer lately since we got rid of binky (lily) & blankey (henry) and they have a harder time falling asleep without those little comforts.) just a minute ago i heard lily ask, "henwy, what do you want to sink about dat's happy so we don't have bad dweams?"
and henry said, "maybe you could think about fancy nancy. and how cool her room is. and i can think about what i want to build with my new tools and the wood from brother beckenhauer's shop." so sweet.

these two! little darlings. little pals. we hit the kid jackpot.

Gathering

2011-09-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning I woke up with a hankering for adventure and countryside, so when I finished my time on the treadmill I googled U-Pick farms in our area and saw that Sugar Plum Acres was open for peach picking. Decision made.

Field Trip! I chirped to coax Henry out of bed. He was delighted.

I called my mom and grandma to see if they'd like to join us. Happily, they agreed, though it took a little finagling to break my mom out of her routine. She was worried about the implications of the adventure (canning!) Don't worry, mom. We won't pick very many. I just want to have the experience.

We picked 77 pounds of peaches. I've spent several of the last 36 hours peeling and slicing those beautiful fruits, carefully arranging them on cookie sheets for flash freezing. My grandma's been doing the same thing in her kitchen. I like to call her to see how it's coming. We laugh about how messy it is and how we're going to be eating peach-everything for months. There's something about the the process of preservation that makes me feel kindred with the women in my family. Yesterday I felt especially homesick for my sisters in law, wishing they could be in my kitchen with me, stocking their own pantries and freezers. What a unifying way to bond, I thought. Lauren & Ashley: maybe some September you'll live here (or come visit) and we can pick fruit and spend a weekend up to our elbows in peach pits and tomato juice and sisterhood.

My mom and I are canning salsa tomorrow morning with our bumper crop of tomatoes. I made and froze six batches of roasted tomato marinara/pizza sauce last week with tomatoes and basil from my garden (easy recipe in last month's Country Living).
It is so satisfying to see my freezer full of colorful preserves. I have a big metal sign in my dining room that reminds me to "gather." I loved it originally because I want to gather people at my table. But fall is a gathering season, too. A time to harvest and pick and preserve and store. Lily took the picture below (she loves to sneak my devices and snap wild, blurry pictures). I loved this one though...

Speaking of gathering - I've been thinking of Fredrick (Leo Lionni) these past few days :) He is so darling and his way of gathering is so wise. I need to go stand out in the sunshine this weekend and gather up the warmth and light and colors and all the lingering essences of summer while they last, too.

P.S. Last night we went up to my mom's for peaches and ice cream and we warmed the peaches in this sauce (recipe below). It was so, so, sooooo good. It's supposed to be the filling for a peach cobbler, but we didn't make the cobbler topping, we just ate the warm peach sauce over vanilla ice cream and crowed about how good it was.

3/4 cup packed brown sugar
1 1/2 TBSP cornstarch
1/2 cup water
1 tsp almond extract
4 cups peeled and sliced fresh peaches
1 TBSP lemon juice
1 TBSP butter

For filling, in a large saucepan combine brown sugar and cornstarch. Stir in water. Cook and stir until thickened and bubbly. Add almond extract. Stir in peaches, lemon juice, and the 1 TBSP butter; heat through. Serve over ice cream or keep warm while you make the topping:

1 cup flour
2 TBSP sugar
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 cup butter
1 egg, slightly beaten
1/4 cup milk

For topping, stir together flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. Cut the 1/4 cup butter into the mixture until it resembles course crumbs. In a separate bowl, combine egg and milk; add all at once to flour mixture, stirring just to moisten. Turn hot filling into a greased 1.5 or 2 quart casserole dish. Immediately spoon on topping in 6 mounds. Bake at 400 for approximately 20 minutes. Makes 6 servings.

*also works well with raspberries and blackberries

Thank you all for the very kind comments you've left on recent posts. It is so nice to blog in the middle of so much love. xo

Making Room

2011-09-11T22:11:00.000-07:00

took this picture at the coast this summer. love those daisies stretching right up to the sky.

My little brood's been sick this weekend. Quite sick. Fevers and coughs all around. I don't know how I avoided it (knock on wood!) -- guess someone needed to be well enough to care for the infirm.

Saturday morning while my peeps languished in the living room, I took the house and yard and garage and car by storm. (Should I feel guilty about that? After week one of home school, I threw my arms wide open to greet the weekend.) I tore through these parts like a dervish. I couldn't get things clean enough, organized enough, purged enough. I took two full carloads to goodwill. Enormous garbage bags stuffed full of accumulated crap. When I pulled up with my second load, the employee manning the drop-off station said, "you must me moving?"
"No, I'm just neurotic," I told him. "and sick of clutter."
"I guess so!" he heaved as he hefted a large black garbage sack of my stuff into the truck.

I don't think of myself as a hoarder, but I guess I have had a tendency to hang on to stuff. And I think I know why...I felt like we might need it? Or like someday we might fall on such hard times that we'd be glad we had 47 stuffed animals and an extra high chair and all those over-sized, ugly hand-me-down maternity clothes. ???

Now I prize simplicity and minimalism more than hidden potential or possibility lurking in stored stuff. I want a simple life. I want to have things because I love them or use them - preferably both. Good thing I think my husband and children are so loveable and useful...everything was under "save or send" scrutiny Saturday afternoon :) I'm not sure what the motivation behind it all was; I think there may have been a few things at play...
We helped Nate's dad move recently and being involved in that process really made me want to pare down and rid my life of unnecessary stuff. There is a complication that comes with accumulation. It was kind of sobering to see him toss, recycle, and give away so many things that had once been important enough to purchase. So many of the things we buy are needless and the satisfaction they bring is so momentary. I am trying to evaluate purchases differently.

The other thing that motivated the great garage clean out was a recent conversation with a friend. She had some advice for me: "I know you're sad that you haven't been able to get pregnant...but you've got to go on with your life. You've got to find joy in what you have. Fill your life with things you couldn't do if you had a little baby. Have adventures with your husband and kids. Get rid of your baby stuff. Move on!"

At first it felt insensitive. I got little defensive and bristled at her boldness. But all those things are easier said than done, I told her. And I am trying to move on and find joy in what i have (not hard to do), but there is still a sadness, a longing.

Even while I made my rebuttal I felt the truth of what she was saying. I told Nate about it. "She's right," he said. And she was. So lots (most) of those big garbage bags that I hauled to goodwill were full of baby things - clothes, toys, blankets, accessories. I sat in the hallway by my laundry room (cooler than the garage) and went through boxes and boxes of baby clothes. Half of them were spit-up stained and wretched; easy to give up. Some were sweet, but not particularly sentimental; slightly harder to let go of. And some were absolutely precious. So precious that I had to cry a little bit over them. It was like pulling a memory out of storage - a little outfit or a tiny pair of shoes that stirred up the sweetness of that season with my baby. Those were the ones I kept, the things that brought back the most vivid essence of my babies. One box of boy things and one box of girl things.

Not surprisingly, shedding that physical weight has helped me let go of some of the emotional weight, too. Or maybe it was the other way around? Either way, I feel less tangled, less heavy. Still hopeful. In my garage, in my mind, in my heart, I am making room. I'm not sure what for, but inspiration will fly by and drop a feather for me, I'm sure.

B&B Pics

2011-09-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to post a few pictures of our B&B birthday getaway. It was bliss.
I didn't take my camera so I just snapped these with my phone to preserve the memory.

The house and grounds were so serene and welcoming.

Nate feeding "Cleopatra" the goat. She was so darling. I would really like to have a goat.

Puffy faces in the early light before a morning run along the canal.

There were lots of blackberry bushes along the canal too; we stopped and ate a few.

Like I said before, we had the best time.

Harvest

2011-09-11T20:54:00.000-07:00

It's pear picking season in Southern Oregon. Our church owns a huge pear farm and there are two million pounds of pears that need to be harvested this fall. Church members have been asked to donate twelve hours of labor to the cause. In my opinion, it is a privilege to fulfill that request...I love pear picking! Last Monday night they allowed children in the orchard because they weren't running any tractors. It was so much fun to be at the farm as a family. The kids loved it. The orchard is so gorgeous as the sun goes down - always a treat to be there.

Even Lily picked a few pears :)

spilling

2011-09-08T21:38:00.000-07:00

heavens. i've been here on the blogger dash half a dozen times in the last few weeks, ready to post. so much to say. but life comes tugging and yanking. and i end up with a few words of introduction, maybe a picture, but nothing complete or cathartic. and the thoughts and memories just build like sinus pressure. one of the things i'm thinking about is time - how to use it, how to stretch it, how to really make the most of it, how completely precious it is. i'm slowly conquering the art of early rising. the mornings are sacred to me now, and my only chance for exercise - i push the windows open wide, the treadmill spins, i stream something inspirational to my ears and hope it sinks to my heart. (usually gospel truth, sometimes a song that moves me (or gets me moving, as the case may be before 7 am)). it's a good ritual, a good way to start the day. i greet the children with more patience and more gumption. and i need both. we're homeschooling henry this year, which feels both right and insane to me. if i can be honest, it is so hard. and i have a lot of qualms about it. but it feels like the most right of the options available to us this year. next year? *spudder* there is a mess of possibility for next year. i'm hoping it might find us under a different roof, in a different school boundary. we are famously slow movers, though. so we'll see if we can actually relocate by next fall. but for this year, i am trying to make the best of it, trying to love this home school choice and embrace the lifestyle that comes with it. i loved it yesterday afternoon as i sat on the floor in the children's section of the library with my littles and let them gather up all the books they were excited about. i think we checked out 40 titles. we heart books. and our curriculum gives me courage; it is incredible. for like seven seconds in the late summer i thought, "i could probably just piece together my own curriculum." and then i came back from idiotland and thought, yeah right. order calvert. so i did. and i will be glad about it til i die.
so anyway, getting back to time management ... it was a big issue before. it's gigantic now. tonight i excused myself from the dinner table and told nate i really wanted to pick blackberries and could he please get the kids ready for bed. i filled my little bucket by the fading light of the sun and the brightening glow of the moon. it was beautiful. i savored the quiet. and girded up my loins about what i've taken on this year. i'm trying to figure out when/how i'll write, go to the temple, nurture my marriage and reach outside the walls of our home to love/help elsewhere. and stay sane.

also, my mind's been consumed with thoughts of lori and her darling children (background for those unfamiliar: lori recently lost her husband to brain cancer. she has two small children exactly my childrens' ages). i have wept for her so many times since i learned of wes's passing. sunday at church i could not pull it together. i don't know why i was so consumed with tenderness, but there it was, in spades. i couldn't stop the tears. after sacrament meeting was over i told nate i needed a hug and i sobbed all over his lapels. it was grief for the truman's. and sorrow for my own ingratitude and weak faith. and soberness and fear about how absolutely fragile life is and how little control we have. and why is god's plan so difficult to comprehend in the short term? it's clear in the big scheme, but it is absolutely vexing in the details sometimes. i have been wrestling with that conundrum lately. and trying to choose faith. all those things came gushing out in the chapel sunday morning. it was ugly and snot laden, but it was also beautiful. it felt like god was peeling back layers of stubbornness and defense and doubt and indifference and touching my vulnerability. and the communion was beautiful.

lastly for tonight and happily, nate stole me away for a birthday getaway on tuesday night and it was maybe the best night we've spent together...ever? we stayed at a charming bed and breakfast. we ordered just the right things at dragonfly. we picked the right caramel apple to share while we strolled around downtown. we talked about all the important things on both of our minds. and instead of talking in circles and never reaching any conclusions, we actually decided on a few things, came up with plans, conquered some puzzling issues. it was magnificent. i really just can't believe i get to do life with nate. he is the best. kind and gentle, strong and funny, smart and deliberate. and so handsome. i kept thinking, "how did a fuddy duddy dweeb like me end up with such a prince?"

on our way back home the next morning we drove by nate's childhood home. he pointed out the little shortcut paths he would take to school and told me about the chores he did in their old farmhouse and the adventures he had on the property that stretched out behind it...and i almost cried thinking of little boy nate, full of enthusiasm and zest. so many things about his childhood were magical and good, but some things were frightening and amiss. and my heart breaks to think of his young heart trying to negotiate those things. as we drove along i squeezed his hand and told him that i am as in love with the little boy of the childhood he described as I am with the man he is now in the life we share. if that makes sense ?
there are a few things i really wish i could do which would require a bit of time manipulation. 1) i would like to rock baby henry to sleep again (i could write an essay of reasons why.) and 2) i would like wrap little boy nate up in a big hug and assure him that despite the trouble of his childhood and the turmoil of his adolescence, his life would be brighter and more brilliant than he could imagine. i know this will sound horribly cliche, but i feel absolutely honored to be part of it.

Suds in The Bucket

2011-08-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

Tonight I skipped Relief Society and washed the car with my kids. I felt bad not supporting the ladies who planned Enrichment, but it was definitely the best choice on the good/better/best spectrum.

It was best because a) we worked together. I think it is so satisfying to work with my kids.
b) We had tons of fun. I love watching my kids have joy.
c) I laughed a lot. I love to laugh at my kids.

Then we came in and got ready for bed and Henry put on his Super H cape and whizzed around the house pretending to be "Captain Bedtime." He liked that identity so much he asked if he could write it on his pajama shirt. Why not? We found the king size sharpie and he did the writing - Captin Bedtime. Perfect.

Berry Nice

2011-08-18T08:44:00.001-07:00

For Family Home Evening on Monday we picked blackberries in my parents' pasture. We could be twiddling our thumbs in that pasture and it would still be gorgeous and magical just for the warmth of the evening light and the whisper of the breeze. It was so simple - no cost, no hassle, hardly any forethought, but there we all were in the tall grass - my parents, my grandma, my husband and kids - buckets in hand, berry juice between our fingers, horses looking on, sun sinking behind the hills, everything about it was right and good. (Except the thorns.)
After we'd harvested a bucket of berries, as we were hiking up the hill to my parents' house, I told Nate how lucky we are to get those kinds of experiences. Very, very lucky.

We put those berries to good use and whipped up a cobbler for dessert.

Henry gets ready for a ride on the quad with Kate & Halley

Grandma Nan - I adore her

Whoa! Squirt wanted to nuzzle Lily's neck. He was so friendly, he wanted to be right near us the whole time we picked.

Goof ball!

She's leaving next week - that makes me want to cry

It also makes me want to cry how quickly my kids are growing up.
I wish we could just slow it all down a bit.

Check, Check, Check! {Summer Fun List}

2011-08-16T23:20:00.000-07:00

I think this is an all time silence record for me. It wasn't a premeditated blog hiatus, just an absence born of the fullness of life the past 2 months. Lots of important things have happened - weddings, a stake pioneer trek, family activities, and plenty of visitors, little trips (camping, the coast, Portland), and summer chores keeping up with the garden and the yard and the daily to-do's. Last night as we were getting ready for bed I said to Nate, "I feel like we've done a really good job of living life to the fullest this summer. We've had lots of adventures and we've done lots and lots of summer things." But my goodness, when you sit down to catch up on life after a long stretch of quiet, there is such a mess of possibility - so many things that could be said...it's hard to know where to begin.

I'll start with our summer list...
at the beginning of the summer, just after school got out, I sat down with the kids and we brainstormed a huge list of things we wanted to do in the hot months:

We have done many of the them, most even. We've visited our elderly friend Ethyl, played in the sprinklers, celebrated Lily's third birthday, eaten popsicles aplenty, looked at the stars, camped in the backyard (Mimi's actually), eaten donuts for breakfast, washed the car, mailed a package to a friend (right Hyde's? :), organized the playroom and turned half of it into a school room, we've been to the park, to the beach, to the tops of the mountains and floated down the river. We have had fun and made memories and squeezed all the warmth and wonder out of these summer days. And we're not done yet! We've still got to make popsicles, do one more family hike, write a letter to Henry's kindergarten teacher, pick peaches and light sparklers (Henry's request :).

Here is a bit of our recent life in pictures:

we froze hundreds of strawberries from Mimi's prolific patch and ate beets from her garden

we ate breakfast in bed

The kids ran in the all-comers track meet (their mom could not take a crisp picture)

we've watered our flowers every day and they've grown!

We're growing and eating a lot of basil and tomatoes

we sewed pajama bottoms with grandma nan - we're going to have a family movie/pajama party in the next few weeks

we've been swimming fifty times at least and soaked up the afternoon sun

and I think the kids got a little cuter, too. I don't know how that was possible.

2011-06-01T23:01:00.000-07:00

drippety drop. It has been sooooo rainy for soooo long. i'm ready for sunshine and star counting and cartwheels and popsicles. and our little garden plants are drowning and gurgling - we need things to dry up a little!

So, what I should really do is a series of short, charming posts - little vignettes of our recent life. But what I'm going to do is a run-on sentence post of some of the details of the past few weeks. There have been lots of fun things. And some not so fun.

First, fun: Henry ran in his school's jog-a-thon fundraiser last week. He ran 15 laps! Probably about 3 miles. Not bad for a kindergartner! Lily ran two laps, too :), which she would be very quick to pipe up and tell you if you were here. It was rainy and cold and miserable so we took the kids to starbucks afterward for some hot chocolate. I felt like we had brought 2 bulls into a china shop - I think we really irritated all those sophisticated sippers, we won't be going back there 'til the kids are at least, oh, i don't know...thirty five.

Ever since he figured out he was the fastest kid in his class Henry's been wanting to run everywhere and race any willing soul. He's also been wearing his soccer "uniform" a lot. (I think this may have something to do with a recent viewing of Airbud World Pup ?) He pulls some long, black socks all the way up to his thighs, puts on a pair of athletic socks and his soccer jersey from last season, and runs around and kicks his ball in the backyard. He was so disinterested in soccer last fall, I didn't sign him up this spring. But I think he's starting to ripen for competitive sports. I am totally opposed to starting kids too early - before they're really ready (and I think there's a lot of pressure to get them involved in a structured competition when what they really want to be doing is playing on the playground next to the field or picking dandelions in the grass). We've made that mistake twice now (T-ball & soccer). I think we're getting to the point where Henry's actually ready to enjoy a sport - it's been interesting to watch the process of maturation, Nate and I have both commented to each other recently that it's almost like a switch has been flipped. All of a sudden he just seems much more interested in athletics - and more capable, too. The one he asks about most is wrestling (!) I really want to be a supportive mom and help my kids find their talents and all that, but, so help me, I just cannot bring myself to sign my baby up for the local mat club and sit in a sweaty gym with the other, more (*ahem*) gruff(?) mothers yelling "git 'eem, Johnny! Git 'eem!"

Not so fun: one of our little monkeys (Lily) fell off the bed Friday afternoon and bumped her head. Except "bump" isn't really the term you'd use for what she did...this was more of a crack or a split, just above her left eye; I knew she needed stitches right away. I called my dad and, miracle of miracles, he answered his phone. He came over, said it probably should be stitched, but thought we could probably tape it up with some steri-strips and spare Lily the trauma of having her face sewn up. She was so brave while my dad cleaned it out and bandaged her up. It's still all taped up and no signs of infection, so hopefully it will heal up ok. And hopefully her eyebrow will eventually cover up the scar. She is so darling - she reminds us before every prayer to pray that her owie will get better.

she had just been making mischief in the bathroom (one of her best talents) and puffed a huge cloud of baby powder all over her head and face. so funny! i could not stop laughing about how silly she looked. at first she was a little embarrassed and wanted me to stop laughing, but then she lightened up and we had ourselves a good chuckle about her dusty mug.

the smudges all over her face are from getting too close to the smelly markers -
she loooves to sniff the smelly markers :)

I know I say this every time I mention her on this blog, but truly, she is such a funny little peanut; I can't really describe how much she amuses me. Life with Lily is several notches more fun. She's started calling me "Emily" quite a bit lately. Tonight she asked me to look for her toothbrush and I was doddling around in the bathroom, wiping the counters, not looking for her toothbrush, and she looked right into my eyes and said, "Emily! Get busy!" And yesterday she was talking to someone on her pretend cell phone and I heard her say, "Yes! I would absolutely love that!" and then when she finished her imaginary phone call she came up to me and said, "Mom, I absolutely love you!" So funny when little people use big words. I absolutely love her.

On Monday, Nate and I celebrated our 8th anniversary and it was easily the best date we've been on in a long, long time. We hiked up a mountain, which was so invigorating and awesome - great views the whole way up and terrific conversation --we talked about a summer routine for the kids, henry and sports, school options for next year, next steps for baby #3, the life we imagine...i could talk to that guy 'til next sunday and still have more to say. one of the best parts of the date was standing on top of that mountain and realizing that almost exactly eleven years earlier we had been at that very spot, only that time we had biked to the summit. i remembered how anxious i was back then about all the impending change - nate was about to leave on a mission. i was about to move to utah and start school at BYU. he had a huge hold on my heart, but i knew we were young. i wondered and wondered how our story would unfold. there are a lot of juicy details in the middle, but...
monday night i looked at nate and just couldn't believe that we had really come to that point - married, kids, happy, eight years (and that we could go home and do things we couldn't do eleven years ago - bonus.) i feel lucky to be his girl. i think he is really neat.

i know that picture is blurry, and i know i've posted it before, but i like it.

speaking of him, he just came out of his office and laid down on the living room floor. he's asleep already. i need to wake him up and take him to bed. even though tax season's over, he's still putting in long days. but it's pretty great to have the flexibility to pick Henry up from school and take him to the library (like he did this afternoon). or take a few hours off to go to the jog-a-thon like he did last week. wait, jog-a-thon? that's where we started this whole thing, isn't it? seems like a nice place to stop.

always more to say...
i'll be back

Videos

2011-05-23T22:15:00.000-07:00

I love Lily's voice, six and a half I love it. I took this video a few months ago - no more diapers for this girl! We had a banner week last week and she's now doing all of her business in the potty (we mastered peeps months ago, but we finally conquered #2!) And her hair's gotten longer, too. But her cute little voice is still the same. It will be so sad when that sweet voice disappears into maturity.

Henry got such a kick out of our bedtime story last night. Lots and lots of laughing. Fun to catch it on camera. I got frustrated with him this afternoon 'cause he was doing all his chores at snail's pace and there was plenty of murmuring, too. I was having to ask him several times to do every single thing. While I was making dinner, I was venting my frustrations to Nate. I got all my gripes out and Nate just looked at me quietly. I thought for a minute and added, "but he is so nice to his sister, he helps her with a million things every day. And plays with her all the time. And he has such an easy laugh. We can work on the pokeyness and murmuring; he's such a good boy."

Ups and downs.

2011-05-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

blurry, but i love that little face

If reliving days were a possibility, I would relive today. It had all the things good days are made of - sunshine, work, play, love, s'mores, dirt. Nate was up early finishing some work, then off to church meetings. The kids and I ate berries for breakfast. And a slice of warm bread with melted butter (the kids prefer that to toast, softer on little mouths). Then we headed outside to make a garden out of the weed patch in the corner of the back yard. We pulled weeds. Scratch that. I pulled weeds. The kids sneaked inside and tried to watch Peter Pan. Busted. We raked and spread new dirt. I hauled big rocks to make a border around our garden. The kids went in and colored pictures. Then I begged them to come outside and keep me company. So they got their swimming suits on and ran through the sprinklers. I loved watching them and listening to their laughter. (They've been really, really cute lately.) I realized I was getting too much sun and fetched a hat. Nate got home from his meetings at about 2 and came out to join us. At first I was grouchy that he'd been gone so long and I was snappy to him. But I calmed myself down and realized that what I really wanted was a happy day with my family. I put #itchy on the shelf. Lily went down for a nap. (*a note about Lily - she has got to be at the prime of her cuteness, she is just the most amusing, darling, hilarious, busy little person. She makes me hope against hope that we get to have more babies - I can't bear to think of this being the last time I'll get to enjoy a three year old. I love the things she says. I need to devote a whole post to her - with specifics and quotes. A video would be best. I love her spunk and sass. I love how polite and dear she is. I never imagined I'd have such a delightful, sparkly little lady to pal around with.) Anyway, getting back to our day -after Lil went down for her nap, Nate and Henry went back to the nursery for another round of dirt and a few more plants. We worked the soil some more. Henry dazzled us with his willing help and general darlingness (he had a slew of rough, grumpy days last week - we've been working really hard at cooperation, team work, and happiness...seems to be working, he's been a champ lately). We smiled at each other about the curious questions he asks - his mind is hard at work making sense of the big, bright world. Finally, it was time to plant. Watermelon, honeydew, squash, tomatoes, cucumbers, basil and strawberries. Hopefully we'll be eating the fruits of today's labor in a few months. (Sooner for strawberries - they already have little green berries on them!) Hopefully we can win the battle against the bugs. I may have used a few choice words scolding the earwigs who'd already gotten cozy with my basil. We mowed the grass, put all the tools away, swept the back patio, watched the doves, wiped our brows and came in to get cleaned up. Henry had been talking about a fire all day - he had his tastebuds all geared up for roasted marshmallows and hot dogs. We like the idea of work hard/play hard; we were happy to give him the evening he'd been imagining. We showered up - actually, Henry fashioned a space helmet out of cardboard while Nate and I showered. He was so funny with that box on his head - then he offered to make one for nate :)
We picked up some mallows and grahams from the store and headed up to mimi & grandpa's. The evening was just right for a fire - brisk air that made us all want to draw in close to stay toasty. And it was so nice just to sit and slow down and watch the fire. for an hour the only thing we needed to worry about was not burning our marshmallows. we came home with marshmallow stickies on our cheeks, smoke in our hair and happy in our pockets. It was so nice to have a day filled with the satisfaction of work and frosted with the indulgence of leisure.

I'll post some pictures of the garden soon. I'm so excited about it. It's part of the life I imagine.

Always a Reason To Celebrate

2011-05-08T22:50:00.000-07:00

One thing I love about my family is that we're good at turning relatively ordinary events into parties. This weekend we had a cinco de Mayo party (which we observed on seis de Mayo) and also a Kentucky Derby Party. Our parties are pretty low key and mostly just an excuse to spend time together and eat good food. And in the case of the Derby - make sensational hats!

Here are a few pics of our weekend celebrations:

A welcome sombrero and mom's delicious cabbage salsa

festive table and the cutest little muchacho on the planet

When I read that NieNie was hosting a Kentucky Derby party I thought, "oh, what a fun idea!" But when my sister Kate caught wind of it, she said, "let's have one, too!" and she ran with it. (Thanks for being awesome, Kate!) She bought hats, and flowers and feathers to adorn them. We planned a menu together, but she did all the shopping. We whipped up a delicious salad, some cucumber/cream cheese sandwiches (authentic derby fare, or so we read on google), fresh fruit and some chips & salsa (leftover from seis de Mayo). We fancied up a bit and donned our hats. The boys even rounded up some caps.

pre-party hat making

My dad's a horse enthusiast so he was pretty tickled with this party, which is quite unlike him as he's usually eye-rolls and "do we have to's?" at the mention of a party :) He went on and on about how much he loved our hats; us girls got quite a kick out of that. And then he said, "women really know how to make life fun, don't they? Aren't we lucky to have these women around?" Pretty cute :) We all picked our horses and gathered 'round the big screen for the most exciting two minutes in sports. None of us had picked Animal Kingdom, but we didn't have any money on the race, so we were thrilled with the outcome :) And how fun for Johnny Velazquez to get to ride at the last minute -- and win!

cute Kate, the party planner

Halley nailed the dainty hat hair with those golden curls

We packed this weekend right to the brim with work and fun and life! I have more to write about - not the least of which is that we rescued a baby dove (the pictures will make you coo and fuss) and I got my pots and beds planted - I'm getting excited for mid-summer blooms.

Til the next pocket of blog-able quiet...

Springtime with My Favorites

2011-05-03T15:26:00.001-07:00

After tax season we escaped to the coast for a few days. It was cold. And windy. And our hotel room was a little...erm...stinky and had a certain not-quite-clean feeling to it. And traveling with the children is not so relaxing as traveling without them. But breakfast at Maddie's was delicious as always.

And we took the best hike ever at Cape Sebastian.
And we played hide-n-seek in the forest...

counting.

And we almost got blooowwwnnn away. The wind!

And he picked flowers. And guess what he did with them?

Lucky me :)

And we ate at Subway twice because the kids love it.
And we sat in the hot tub, only I didn't because I forgot to pack my swimming suit.
And we watched Tangled over and over. (Heaven help me, I really like that movie).

We really had fun. But after two days, we were totally ready to come home to our own beds and just the regular routine of our life - we were kind of excited to get settled back into it, post-tax season.

But as soon as we got home it was time for my brother's wedding and all the accompanying parties and festivities and company. Then Nate and Henry erupted in poison oak - worst cases I've seen in a loooong time. And I did several dozen loads of laundry. And applied copious amounts of ointment. And just when I had everything laundered and orderly and the scabs were starting to heal, Henry came down with the pukes. So last night I was up with him from 2 a.m. to 4 a.m. - scrubbing the carpet (trying not to vomit myself), rubbing his back while he heaved, getting the big bowl out, just in case. Making a little bed for him on the floor next to mine. Listening to the rhythm of his breath, trying to determine whether there'd be another round of heaves. There was. One more. When his stomach had settled down for the night, I snuggled in next to him on the floor. He fell right to sleep. I lay awake - thinking, too stimulated to sleep.

Ironically enough, all I could think about was how completely I adore him and his sister. How thankful I am to be able to get up with them in the night when they're sick and hold them and reassure them. And clean up after them and tuck them into a sick-bed on the floor in mama's room. There are some background emotions at play, things I'm thinking about and feeling that amplify the tenderness I feel for my babes.

I'm just so thankful to have them.

Wedding Bells

2011-04-26T22:42:00.001-07:00

My brother got married this weekend.
It was lovely. We love Lauren. So fun to add another sister to our family.

Ryan is unfairly handsome.
He is also very kind. And very funny. Lauren is lucky.

I know I'm biased, but I thought Lily was the cutest little lady in attendance. She danced to every single song they played at the reception. I'm not kidding, she twirled and twisted and shook her hips 'til she collapsed on the floor at the end of the party. Cutest thing imaginable. And so funny.

Love these gals.

It was so fun to gather for a happy occasion. I'm sad it's all over already.
Now my house is reminding me that we were too busy partying all weekend to be bothered with chores. So much to do! How does the paper clutter accumulate so quickly? It reproduces like bunnies.

On a happier note, it's been nearly eight years since our wedding weekend and I couldn't be more pleased with how things are working out for the mister and me. He has a miserable case of poison oak right now -- pretty much head to toe. He looks like a raccoon.

I still love him.

Now We Are Six...

2011-04-04T20:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Henry,

Six years. Six years and nine days, actually. Plenty of time to get to know a fellow. And fall in love with him, too. Which is exactly what has happened. Love at first sight I thought when they lifted you up over that sterile blue sheet in the operating room. And it was. But only a tiny, flickering hint of what I feel now - this swelling, throbbing, beaming affection that always threatens to o'er step its bounds, to annex another chamber or organ because the heart feels so limiting and cramped.

I know I am not doing everything right, Henry. Today, for instance, when you cried and carried on in the school parking lot because you didn't want to go inside...I didn't know what to do. I alternated between tough love and marshmallow mom. Reading is hard. And the bathrooms are stinky. You made some compelling arguments through your crocodile tears. Part of me wanted to just take you back home; if we're being totally honest, that's where I'd prefer you to be. But part of me wanted to give you a swift kick in the pants and tell you to stop being ridiculous. At some point during our emotional exchange, the rational part of me surfaced and I knew that I needed to walk you into that classroom and let you prove to yourself that you can do hard things. You finally agreed to go in. I watched through the window as you hung up your back pack and headed to the reading table. My heart hung heavy in my chest; moments like these are precisely why I have such a hard time watching you grow up, why I wish it could just be Woody-n-Buzz and juice boxes forever. I know that growth presupposes hard-ness and pain. And I'm just getting to the point where I don't fear those things so much for myself. I'm not to the place where I can accept them for my children very easily. My first inclination is always to make an easier way for you, a path of less resistance. But I know that ultimately you need the opposition. It's like fertilizer for your little character. I have to remind myself that what I ultimately want is for you to be confident, brave, strong, understanding, deep, grateful, conscientious...and all those traits grow best in soils of adversity and challenge. I remind myself that God let Adam and Eve choose for themselves, He let them experience the lone and dreary world, and eat their bread by the sweat of their brow.

But boy do I want to make sure there are plenty of soft assurances, warm respites, and sweet indulgences along the way. I couldn't wait to pick you up from school today. Knowing it might have been a hard day, I tucked your blankie under my arm on my way out the door. You're usually only allowed to have it in bed, but I thought a hard day at school warranted an exception to the family policy. Your eyes sparkled when I handed it to you in the back seat. You pulled it up near your face, rubbed it under your nose and sucked your thumb. I watched your shoulders fall in total relief; I knew just how you felt - 100% safe. I used to feel the same way when I walked through the front door after school. Mimi was good at comfort-making, the best really. I hope it's a skill I inherited. I want your little soul to feel completely at ease - safe and warm and loved when you're at home, Henry. Because it is. And you are.

I borrowed the title of this post from a favorite A.A. Milne poem. The last lines say:

But now I am Six,
I'm as clever as clever,
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

You are so clever, Henry! It's one of the most delightful things about you. The other day dad and I were talking to you about safety, being cautious of strangers, not going into peoples' homes or backyards without our permission. We felt good about what we'd taught you but just to make sure it had all sunk in, Dad posed one last scenario to you:

What if you were out riding your bike and a stranger pulled over in their car and asked you to come over to them and they had a piece of candy. And they said, can you come over here and help me with something...I'll give you this piece of candy. What would you do?
You had to think about that for a while. You furrowed your brow in concentration. And then you said, Well, I'd tell them, 'I don't want to come over there by your car...but why don't you toss me that piece of candy?' We got such a kick out of that! We thought you were so clever to come up with a way to stay safe and get the candy :)

Like I said earlier, Henry...we both know I'm not doing everything right, but I love you. Sometimes it's hard as a parent to know how much to push, how to respond to bad behavior, how to discipline, how to teach...but love is easy. I don't have to think about it. I don't have to try. It's just there, in abundance. One heart hardly seems room enough to hold it all.

Happy six, darling boy. What do you say we just stay here for ever and ever?

I adore you,
Mom

Henry - about 2 years old

p.s. Those pictures make me cry; look at that face!!!! I would do anything in the world to be able to go back in time and play with that little boy all day.

Spring Break and Such...

2011-03-22T20:31:00.000-07:00

it's a curious science, the ebb and flo of emotion. some days are sunshine and daisies. some are lint balls and raisins. we've been undulating between the two.

but this week is spring break and, so help me, we are having fun. we are making memories. we are putting dull on the shelf.

sunday evening we popped popcorn and watched mary poppins. i was kind of surprised (and delighted) by how much the kids loved it. we've all been humming tunes from the movie ever since. my favorite is to watch lily twirl around and sing "chim-chiminee, chim-chiminee."

monday morning we went out for breakfast. the kids tried to walk out the emergency exit; the waitress gave us stern looks about it. our breakfast date steadily declined from there and by the time we left, i was more than ready to go home! but it was fun to shake up the morning routine. and henry loved his big-foot breakfast :) i invited several people for dinner monday night, but they all declined. it ended up working out nicely, though, because i found out one of my good friends was really sick, so we took dinner to their family. nate worked late (as he does most nights) so i let the kids get in bed with me. we read armfuls of stories. when my grandma moved here she gave us a big box of her old children's books. such a treasure! we are having fun discovering charming old classics. and while we read, i love to imagine my dad as a little boy, and my grandma a young mother, enjoying the same stories we're loving now. we made our way through a hefty stack of classics and then, keeping with the mary poppins theme, i sang the kids to sleep. they don't surrender quickly, so when my voice got tired I just hummed. i don't sound quite as good as julie andrews, but the children didn't seem to mind :) and watching them nod and drift off to sleep did good things to my heart.

yesterday morning gave us sunshine! the kids and i went for a hike with mimi & halley. hiking is maybe my favorite thing to do; it felt so good to be outside. the valley views were gorgeous. henry was a super trooper. lily didn't love being in the pack, but overall, it was a memorable outing. the happymeal bribe helped the children keep their spirits up on the long descent.

today's off to a good start - i woke up to cheerful chatter in the kids room; henry was reading to lily. totally precious. the kids helped me unload the dishwasher (cheerfully!) we had eggies and toast for breakfast. then the littles disappeared to the playroom...and here i am with a little pocket of quiet, wanting to scratch down some of the recent haps.

first, i would like to mention lily's latest hilarious doll-naming: Reelexa. sounds like a prescription drug, doesn't it? "side effects for reelexa may include dry mouth, headaches, dizziness, nausea, constipation..."
i wish you could hear lily say Reelexa. it's darling. and so funny.

the other day henry asked nate if he could guess which person in his class is obsessed with justin beiber. nate guessed marisol (the only girl in henry's class that nate knows by name).
nope! henry told him. it's someone else.
i don't know, nate told henry, i think i'm going to need a clue.
here dad, i'll give you three choices and you guess which one loves justin bieber. is it marisol, edith or douglas?

oh my goodness did we laugh about that. hmmmmm...edith or douglas (the most rough and tumble boy's boy in class)? hahahahaha!

nate and i have struggled to find a tolerable equilibrium in the craziness of tax season. he's been telling me for weeks now, "i'm out of town. you just have to pretend i'm out of town." that's hard to do. last night he wrapped up early (9:45 pm) and we spent a few hours together. it was rejuvenating. it will be nice to see more of him after april 15th. really nice.

i think we'll head to michael's today to get supplies for a few art projects we're going to do together. we've got playdates planned for this afternoon and tomorrow morning. we're excited for the BYU game tomorrow night - i'm sure we'll make a party of it. and who knows what the weekend will bring...i haven't thought that far ahead yet :) maybe a date with our accountant. he's pretty cute.

Hello, March

2011-03-06T23:31:00.000-08:00

Time is zooming. It's March already. My boy's about to be six. six! I know I shouldn't be sad about my kids getting older, but I am. Especially Henry. I love him so, so much. Tonight I was looking nostalgically through old pictures of him, and Nate came in and said, "He's your favorite creature. There's no secret about that." I don't know what it is, but there is a bond so tender and deep with that boy. Part of it lies in our similarity. He loves to be home, loves to be cozy, loves a project, hates to rush, likes to chat, loves to snuggle. And so do I. He's hesitant about a night away from his bed, cautious about many things, extremely observant, timid around strangers (but instantly warm and comfortable with a soul that he can discern is good and genuine), eager to please, and a tiny bit lazy. And so am I.

There's not a doubt in my heart that he's my boy.

He wants to build a playhouse almost as badly as he wants his next breath. We've been looking at plans online. And drawing "constructions." And brainstorming about all the possibilities - a rope ladder, a slide ("so you can sneak out the back if robbers come to the front door.") "And would there be a way to keep girls out, mom?" he asked me tonight, "you know, like for times that me and Simon want to be alone?"

We're trying to figure out how to make this dream come true. We think we may have an idea...

The last couple of days have been a little bit tedious and grey. I've been impatient, tired, discontented. The children have been stubborn and ornery. The weather's been dreary. And we've had a lot of external stuff imposed on us (meetings, church stuff, a big family dinner to host, meals to deliver, mutual to plan, helping in the classroom). Henry doesn't have school tomorrow and we're going to have a day of whatever we want - sleeping in, stories, baking, painting, coloring, playing, snuggling. I can't wait. I want to give the kids a happier and more present version of myself than they've had the last few days.

We're in the thick of tax season. It is so busy for Nate. Long, long hours. I worry about him, hoping he's not too pushed, too tired, too burdened. it's a heavy weight he carries, i know. but we're blessed with work. and busy is so much better than the alternative. so we count it a blessing and carry on, ever anticipating April 15th. oh blessed day! in the meantime, we're looking for all the bright sides. and they are many. working from home means we get to eat meals together. and that occasionally when we pass each other in the hall, Nate winks at me (or slaps my buns) and tells me I'm hot. i love him. he is good. and steady and strong. and kind. and handsome.

I couldn't feel right about ending this post without a Lily update. She talks to me all day long. And the things that proceed from her tiny mouth are hilarious and beyond her age. Lily loves errands. She loves to get out of the house and wants to leave with anyone who's going. When we drive by familiar stores, she calls out, "Oh, look mom, there's costco. Do we need to get a few things?" "Oh! There's Safeway! There's Old Ravy" (as she calls it :) We've had occasion to be at 'Old Ravy' together a few times recently purchasing, (then exchanging, and exchanging again,) jeans for her brother, who is growing like a dandelion and does not like to accompany us on errands. It is so amusing to watch her pick things out, ask if we can buy them, tell me how cute a little skirt is or how much she loves that purple pair of plastic sandals. she is all girl - she loves babies and pink and shoes and purses and make up. this morning she brought out her baby Lola and another little bundle all wrapped up. "These are my two kids, two kids, two kids!!!" she was singing. I was a little surprised when I unwrapped the bundle and found one of Henry's large, spiky plastic dinosaurs. "Dat's Wendy," Lily informed me matter-of-factly. Mental note made. That makes Maggie, Sally, Lola, DeeDee ... and Wendy the dinosaur-kid. Lily is super perceptive of peoples' emotions, often asking me things like, "are you frustratin' mom?" or "does this make you happy, mom?" she really notices how people are feeling. she's extremely strong-willed and determined. we love this about her. but it's really difficult when her will isn't aligned with mine -- like potty training, for instance. i'm ready for it. she wants nothing to do with it. and no manner of skittles or starbursts or coaxing or entreaty can change her mind about it. hopefully she'll warm up to the idea sooner or later. Even if she's in diapers 'til she's four, we love her and think she's just right.

that's it. my eyelids are full of lead. still can't believe it's March...

Hang Man on the Whiteboard

2011-02-18T12:16:00.001-08:00

Last night Henry reeeaaallly wanted to go to a showing of Toy Story 3 at his school. Wednesday was super long and busy and I was gone 'til almost ten o'clock at a church youth activity, so I was hanging my hat on Thursday being a low key day at home. (* see previous post about my aversion to plans. *) I'd sooner have eaten lightbulbs than pack up the kids to go sit in the stinky school gym to watch a movie that we own. So to console my very disappointed boy, I told him I'd let him stay up late and have a special night with me. We baked bread. We read stories. And we played Hang Man. It was so fun. And so funny.

Henry went first, thinking of a word that I'd have to guess. He drew nine little dashes. I asked him if he was sure he knew how to spell a word that long. He assured me he did. I figured we might have some creative/phonetic spelling. When the last 6 dashes were full and consisted of "t-o-a-s-i-l" I thought maybe I'd better ask for a clue.
"The last part is 'ball,'" he told me.
"Oh, okay...so it's some sort of ball?"
"Yep...a tennis ball!"
"Oh! So the word is tennis ball?" I tried to get to the bottom of this Hang Man mystery.
"Well, the word is 'this is a tennis ball!'" he announced proudly.
"Ooooh!" I laughed. "That's actually 5 words, but you sure did a good job."
"Why don't you do the word this time, mom. This is pretty hard."
So I did. I chose rocket ship. He guessed it without any problems.
"I think I"m ready to do another word now," he told me.
"Ok, go for it." I handed him the marker.

He made 5 little dashes. As soon as I guessed "Y" and he put it at the end, I knew what the word would be, but I kept guessing to amuse him. Finally when only the "N" was missing I shouted the answer. Want to see the word he chose:

His name :) I thought that was so darling.
Then it was my turn.
I did this:

He thought that was funny.

I'm crazy about him.

2011-02-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

We did a good job celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I think.
We went to Anne's cupcake party - yum!
We made "Dino-mite" Valentine's for our cousins and the children in Henry's class. (Thanks for the awesome idea, Sarah - everyone loved them.)

Goodness sakes, do my children love to paint! Lily kept holding hers up and asking me, "is dis boo-tiful mommy?" Boo-tiful indeed.

And I let the kids watch Youtube clips of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Saturday morning while I made heart-shaped pancakes. They could have cared less about the heart pancakes. They were asking for Mickey Mousers sixteen seconds after they sat up to eat.

We also welcomed Grandma Folsom to Oregon last week. We are sooo glad she's here! I never dreamed we'd get to be neighbors - what a treat. The kids ask to go to her house several times a day, they love her, but I think the fact that she gives them gum balls may play into their hankering for her house, too :)

While I was visiting with Henry at bedtime the other night, we had a hilarious little exchange. (Bedtime, by the way, is my favorite time of the day, I love to lay with the kids and chat - precious, precious time.) So anyway we were chatting and he said, "let's talk about the solar system, like how big it is and what kinds of colors are out there."
"Sure, let's do it." I agreed.
"So, how big do you think the solar system is?" he asked
My brain stretched to make a comparison..."HUGE! Farther than you can see, bigger than you can even imagine."
He looked around pensively. "Some things are just too big to talk about, Mom. It makes my brain hurt. Some things just don't have answers, huh?"
"Yep, there are some questions that only Heavenly Father knows the answers to," I told him.
"Yea...He knows all the answers, huh? He knows, like, everything!"
"yep, I think He does."
Henry thought for a minute and then said, "Lawyers know a lot...but they don't know everything. But Heavenly Father knows everything."
I cracked up laughing and asked him how he even knew about lawyers.
"Tom & Jerry," he told me matter-of-factly. And then he described a scene where the little mouse (is he Tom? or Jerry?) was riding in the car with a lawyer and asked a question. Upon receiving the answer to his question, he asked, how did you know that? To which the man replied, I'm a lawyer, I know everything!

Sort of crazy how much media can shape a child's perception. And funny, too.

I had a little meltdown to Nate last night about how much plans stress me out. My favorite thing in the world is to wake up in the morning and think, "No plans!" That's not to say that we twiddle away the day in idleness, but I just love the flexibility of creating our day as we go along. Pulling out the paints if we feel inclined, running to the store if we need to, getting to work on chores and projects, arranging a last-minute play date if we want one, stopping in to visit Mimi. I just like to keep our options open. But I know I need to get comfy with the reality of more busy-ness and more plans.

And finally, this was Saturday morning before the cartoons and pancakes:

They climbed into bed with me at around 7 and then we all fell back to sleep. (Oh, and those babies? Sally & Lola. They are such staple figures in our household I think we can claim them as dependents on our taxes this year.) This picture is so indicative of our life right now. Their favorite blankies, favorite dollies, and my favorite little people bathed in the morning light of my bedroom. I love them so, so much. Impossibly much. And their dad, too.

All These Things That {we've} Done

2011-02-05T23:14:00.000-08:00

You know The Killers? I like them. (Title inspiration; I'm thinking of you, Kate :)

Anyway...it's been a happy, busy few weeks around here. Last Saturday we did haircuts. I hate giving haircuts, but I love freshly shorn men & children. And this was a banner week at the barber shop - the little lady came in for the first time in her life! We think the results are almost too cute to be legal.

I love being able to see the back of her neck all the time - it is so soft and sweet. I miss her curls, but there's not much we could do in the way of a haircut that could make us love this girl any less.

Henry lost another tooth - pulled it out himself! The tooth fairy left another dollar - but this time it was all in coins, three quarters, two dimes and a nickel. Oh, what a tricky little pixie she is, keeping us on our toes with variety!

We held down the fort while my parents were out of town - we had fun taking care of Halley and all the animals. I loved the morning chores at the farm more than I thought I would - feeding chickens, horses, the dog and the cats. The morning light was bright and beautiful, the anxious clucks of hungry hens and the whinnies of the horses were the just the right sounds to greet the day. The kids were cheerful and willing to help; I felt grouchy and resentful towards school and whatever other engagements cramped our time. I just wanted to linger outside in the fresh air, let the kids chase the chickens, and feed the horses apples and carrots, and swing on the tire swing, and laugh. I hope we can have a little farm of our own someday. That is the life my heart really reaches after - one that requires rubber shoes and smells like manure. It surprised me how much I loved it. I don't think of myself as an animal person - mostly because I never want to share my home with a creature that sheds, or is a potential carrier for worms or fleas (*shudder*), but as it turns out, I really do love the animals as long as they're outside.

Also - I think I'd like to learn to ride a horse.

Here's why: I'd describe Henry as a cautious boy, hesitant about anything that seems precarious (except for water -- I cannot keep him away from water!) And the horses, he's not cautious or hesitant around them - he seems totally comfortable and at ease. He touches them playfully and confidently. I want to encourage this. And I want to be able to ride with him. This is going to take some fear-conquering for me because horses do make me nervous! I'm hoping my dad and Uncle Rob will help facilitate this desire to get {back} in the saddle. I want to encourage my children to pursue interests that are outside the predictable flow of the mainstream. I want to expose them to different ways to use their bodies, explore the natural world, express their creativity, make music. I have a sneaky plan to expose them to carpentry and woodworking by cajoling their father into making a dining room table for me. I keep sending him not-so-subtle e.mails, with subject lines that say: something like this.

And then I attach a picture:

He thinks I'm nuts. But the other day he sent me this text: I love you. So much that I'm actually trying to figure out how I could possibly make you a table. *head scratch*

Sweet, huh? I'm wearing him down. The crazy is contagious :)

And speaking of carpentry - Henry built a bird house last week, with some help from Uncle Rob and Dad. I think it's the perfect addition to the backyard and the birds are crazy about it! We watch them eat their breakfast while we eat ours. Every day Lily says, "Oh, look at dose cute bowdies!" And then her face turns forlorn and she laments, "I wish we could hold dose bowdies."

Hmmm, what else? Henry and I have been playing with glitter and paper hearts in our spare time. It's been so fun. My favorites are the ones he writes on - his clumsy, asymmetrical writing is so charming and then you sprinkle it with glitter and it's off the charts precious. See?

I love these little faces; they bring me immeasurable amounts of joy. I kept Henry home from school on Friday because I wanted a whole day with my kids - uninterrupted, to do all of whatever we wanted to do. I pushed them on the tire swing for a half hour. We ate snacks on the big rocks in the back yard. We brought some carrots up to the horses. We jumped on the trampoline. We made valentines. We practiced writing some of the tricky letters and did a really fun activity with numbers. We were together from the time our eyes opened in the morning 'til they closed that night (except for the hour and a half when their father and I slipped out for an evening walk). It was the best. They are sunshine.

Recently

2011-01-19T21:41:00.001-08:00

* Henry lost his first tooth! The anticipation was reaching fever pitch. The boys pumped themselves up watching tooth extraction videos on You Tube. First they tried to yank with Kleenex. Fail. Then Nate tied a piece of floss around the wobbly little nub and ... POP! It was out without a scream or a wince or a tear. And boy oh boy! was our boy happy about the resulting gap in his smile. We think he's darling as ever. And the toothfairy thought that tooth was worth one whole dollar. It went right in his Lightning McQueen wallet with the rest of his dollars...seems we've got a little saver on our hands, he's accumulating quite a sum!

* Mornings are my absolute favorite with my little birds. They come get in bed with me every day. We snuggle. We doze. Lily asks for a baba. We discuss breakfast options. Sometimes the kids make like monkeys and swing around on the big beams of our bed. It's all very lazy and fun and wonderful. I will be so sad when it has to change next year. First grade can just wait and wait and wait (and then disappear) as far as I'm concerned.

* The sunset last night was the prettiest I've seen in a long time. I snapped these pics on my phone, so they're not wonderful, but they give a little glimpse. My mom used to describe herself as "more of a sunset than a parade," which is a perfect description of her quiet wonder. I love sunsets.

* Nate and I went away last weekend. Just us. To Portland. (I did not take one single picture - sad.) It was fun and refreshing and romantic. (We only fought once - at IKEA. Of course. He thought the swing was weird and dumb. I thought it was magical and cool and just the kind of thing childhood should be made of. I said something mean. He went out to the car to nap (and be bugged) while I finished the tour de IKEA and texted apologies and begged him to come back in. He declined. I bought the swing. We made up quick and were proud of ourselves for burying the hatchet in a hurry. Actually, now that I think of it, we fought twice - also over the fact that I could not read the map on the iPhone and we took a bad wrong turn in "rush-freakin'-hour traffic." yikes. We made up quick that time too though. And we kissed a lot the rest of the trip to make up for the conflict.)

I love him. I could talk to him for a solid day and still have more to say. I would marry him one hundred more times if given one hundred more chances. I love his mind and his soul - I love to hear his thoughts and ideas. I think he has the gift of wisdom and sound judgment. I trust him unequivocally. I think he is fascinating and neat; I never tire of his company. And...I think he's so, so handsome. Our weekend away reminded me that I need to be a better wife - more kind and supportive and encouraging. "Be a nicer wife" is now on my list of things to be mindful of. I can already tell it is helping us be happier together.

* The day after we came home from Portland I caught an ugly stomach bug. Not fun at all. But it was sort of luxurious to lay in bed all day and read magazines while I tried not to barf. And I had mostly regained my appetite by dinnertime when my mom swooped in with chicken noodle soup and breadsticks. And jello, which tasted sooo good!

* My spring bulbs are already poking their little green heads out. I'm worried about them. I want to tell them that there's more cold and freezy to come, that they should turn around and head back down in the dirt where it's safe and warm(er)! I hope they'll survive the rest of winter and give us a beautiful show come Springtime.

* My kids are naughty, naughty at bedtime. Lily sneaks out of bed. Henry eggs her on. They giggle and chat and goof off 'til it's late. Nate and I get frustrated. And we have to get stern with them, which usually makes one or both of them sad. But then we go in and check on them and we find this:

or this:

and it is the cutest thing we've ever seen and our hearts just can't handle it. And we feel bad for getting stern. And we kiss their cheeks. And put Lily back in her own bed. Then we look back and forth from one darling bundle to the other. And back again. And then at each other. And we shake our heads and roll our eyes and wonder how in the world we ended up with the cutest kids ever known to man.

A tiny slice of the thinking pie...

2010-12-26T14:02:00.001-08:00

(sigh) ... In some ways it's all over. And in some ways the magic still lingers - toys are fascinating and new, the wreath above the desk still smells like pine cones and wilderness (though its green is grayer now,) the paperwhites' veiny buds are yet to deliver their promise of blossoms.

So many times this Christmas season I felt my heart stretch and twist, trying to make room for new gratitude, more love, bigger joy. It felt to me that some dim and dusty things which had been lingering unwelcome were replaced by things more sterling and joyful. The Sunday before Christmas I couldn't hold the tears back as the choir sang. I wanted my voice to ascend with the believers in praise and thanks for the "unspeakable gift" of a Savior. I felt (feel) so much gratitude for His life and for what it has meant/means in mine.

The best thing about the holidays was just passing lazy time with my family. I love them. We played games, watched a season of 24, tossed a frisbee on the shore of the Pacific, drank hazelnut hot chockie, and, of course, we talked. I love to talk with my family - our topics of conversation spanned from the importance of raising musical children to the harmful effects of negative thinking to side-splitting stories from our childhood to each of our goals and hopes for change in 2011. It is such an inspiring group to be with - and so neat to feel perfectly safe, loved and accepted while also feeling inspired by the surrounding goodness and challenged to be and do more. I feel so thankful to my parents for what they worked so hard to create and sustain. I am realizing now that strong families don't just coalesce from happenstance and luck - they take a mindful and mighty effort. As I sat and laughed 'til tears with my siblings, or looked around a dimly lit room at each of them and felt my chest tighen with emotion, I thanked my parents for making the effort.

I was sad to say goodbye to everyone yesterday. Really sad. And a little deflated at the realization that this round of togetherness and fun had ended. But today I took down the Christmas decorations with a light heart, feeling like we'd soaked and celebrated satisfactorily. And realizing that the magic of Christmas comes, at least in part, from the fact that it lingers only for a short season just once a year. And January is coursing through me with new energy and possibility.

2010 was a year for the books - an epic chapter in our small story. We loved it. We were blessed beyond anything we deserved. We learned big, beautiful lessons. And we were mostly very happy. But it was hard. And scary. And I carried the stress of it all like an ill-fitting backpack 'til my body ached like a grandma. As we sat around the table at Thanksgiving this year, Nate's 80 year old grandmother commented on how wonderful she felt. She said she felt better than she had 10 years ago. Nate's uncle said something to that effect too, something about his knees feeling better than they had five years ago. I felt jealous. And sad. And I honestly thought to myself, "I feel like I'm a hundred." I had back and neck pain that sent me googling chronic diseases like lupus and fibromialga in the wee hours. (One of my New Year's resolutions is to never google my health symptoms ever again. ever. Bad idea.) I'm can't be totally sure, but I'm pretty certain that the pain came from a huge tangle of stress and heaviness I was quietly carrying around. I didn't want Nate to worry about me being worried. I opened up to my mom a time or two, but I'm just not super comfortable with the let-other-people-bear-my-burdens part of the "bear one another's burdens" directive. So I mostly just tucked it all inside. Little bit by little bit. Until it had its own pulse. And I felt sick. And then I went to the doctor and he told me I had a lot of muscle tension and tightness in my back and neck and that "yes, that could be causing the radiating pain in your head, but you're healthy. you're not dying. all your labs are normal. here's a super-strength anti-inflammatory - you're going to be fine." And now I feel mostly fine. And fine has never felt so fantastic. And I'm not writing this to get sympathy comments (please don't leave them), I'm not writing this to tell anybody about it. I'm just writing it so that I will remember. I am happy to put 2010 behind us, but I in no way want to put it out of my mind. And if there's ever a time where the choices we made to put ourselves here yield any sort of abundance or ease, I want to remember that we paid a dear, dear price for it.

One other thing I have to get down before I head to bed goes back to the Thanksgiving conversation I mentioned above. As we sat around that table enumerating our blessings and everyone else's seemed to be about their physical comfort, all I could think about was how unwell I felt, how badly I wanted the pain to go away and to just feel good. (And goodness, I know this all sounds dramatic, but those were my thoughts). To be perfectly truthful, I felt sort of frustrated at God and a little bit sorry for myself. But a few weeks later I was standing in my bathroom getting ready for the day and a thought came to my mind, quick and sure - and it was this: In every aspect of my life (except for maybe a small portion of my back and neck,) I feel better than I did ten years ago. In fact, in some ways I feel entirely new and changed. I didn't recognize that while I ate my yams, but I do now. And that, for me, is the unspeakable part of the Savior's gift. That somehow the goodness and grace of a sacrifice made two thousand years ago can take confusion and darkness and heaviness and make it ... light.

Like I mentioned above, I feel so invigorated about a new year, moreso than I have in the past, I think. It feels like a little gift from January. I hope it lasts...

2010-12-17T00:34:00.000-08:00

I am not abandoning this dear little blog. I couldn't possibly, no matter how much time I let slip by between posts.
There are too many smiles and laughs and tears and tender sighs to be had in reading the archives. This little story of ours is my favorite one ever. And there are funny memories and important thoughts that need to be shared with my children. And preserved for myself. I want to write and I have so much to say...a running list of insights and quotes and thoughts on my desk. Oh, and I have a desk now (finally!) If that's not blogworthy...a new to me, old desk that I am just totally in love with.
But i keep saying yes to things like being in charge of the decorations for the ward Christmas party and accompanying musical numbers. And I'm spending my quiet (writing) time learning the harmonies of "In The Bleak Midwinter" and other such things. Oh, and Christmas. Gifts to assemble and letters to write.

sometimes i want to get overwhelmed and frustrated by all the things I can't do. but that's just so useless. the other day i was driving to pick henry up from school and my mind was kind of drawn out in a prayer-like monologue to God. i just wanted Him to know how dearly I love my life. and not because it's all lollipops and lemonade stands. because it's not. there have been some really challenging things about the past year. things that i haven't written about here. but even when it is frustrating and hard and painful and lily is terribly, terribly stubborn...i love this life. i reminded God of my desire for a lot more time to relish my children and love my husband and celebrate our collective victories. and then, for two seconds, it was a dialog and I understood something new. or something I had always known made sense in a new way. i can only enjoy a lifetime more of joys and celebrations, if i'm willing to endure an equal amount of disappointment and pain and difficulty and being stretched til it hurts, because there really aren't any exceptions to difficulty, only variations. i guess it's just my own way of understanding that the bitter is the price we pay to really prize the sweet. and i'm feeling like i can do a little better at enduring the "bitter" more cheerfully, knowing that there is so much sweet still to be tasted.

yesterday i asked henry to clean up a mess he'd made. he didn't want to. he moped around and finally resolved, "i'm just not going to play any more so I don't have to clean up all these messes!" i smiled. and reminded myself that sometimes we have to make a mess to have a good time. sometimes we have to hurt to grow. sometimes the process of stripping away pride to gain new understanding is embarrassing and sobering. sometimes we have to make ourselves vulnerable to really experience the heights and depths of things like love. and life.

that maybe only makes sense to me.

that's okay.

Little Darling

2010-11-11T23:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Lily,

What I really need to do is post a video clip of you because your charm can only be conveyed with the sound of your voice, the darling way you pronounce your words, and the hilarious expressions on your face when you make your wishes known. But I don't have such a clip and one of the saddest thoughts in my life is that this little voice of yours and all your special pronunciations and inflections and expressions and going to evaporate in the passage of time. And I'm going to miss them terribly. I'm going to miss two year old Lily Jane "Willa-lums" terribly. So I want to immortalize a few bits of her, of you - just some pieces I can use to reconstruct the essence of this time when it only exists in memory and in the sporadic chronicles of our family story.

After our visit to the science "eye-seum" (museum) today I just felt like I wanted to kiss your cheeks. A lot. And you let me. You are so amusing and sweet and darling and funny and busy and determined and sassy and darling. Sometimes there are little moments with you that just tangle me up inside. I don't know how else to describe it - everything in my head gets muted and fades, and all I can think about is what a delightful little soul you are and how lucky we are to have you.
I love you so much, sweet girl.

I love it when you examine my face, touch my earrings and tell me I look "prahty" while I buckle you into your carseat. And then, if I am chewing a piece of gum, you ask me for it.

I love it when you slip away from the bar after breakfast and return with one of your skirts on, all twisted around and rumpled. You love skirts. I think this has something to do with the fact that Katie & Mary Cropper (your mortal heroes) usually wear skirts and you're already bent on emulation.

You also love your plastic "fancy shoes." The other day one of your fancy shoes got a sizeable crack in it. You brought it to me, crestfallen - announcing that it had an owie and needed a bandaid to help it feel better. We fixed it up as best we could and the blue electrical tape used in the repair hasn't deterred you a bit from wearing them everyday when we walk Henry to the bus stop.

I love it when you ask me for something, (lately it's been the cashews in the pantry,) and I say no and then you get pouty and resentful and ask me to please go away for a "little why-lul," thinking that maybe if you can just get me to disappear for a minute you can sneak those yummy nuts yourself :)

I love how you ask me about everyone you've ever met - "mom, where's baby lucy?"
"oh, she's probably at home with her mama."
"oh. where's baby max?"
"well, he's probably at home with his mama, too."
"Oh. where's avery?"
"she's probably..."
we can go on like that for quite some time, you and i. i am amazed at the people you remember -- people we only met briefly, months ago -- they're still there, tucked away in your memory to be inquired after occasionally.

i laughed when i changed your diaper this afternoon and you said, "ew. that smells stinky! that smells a little bit like diarrhea." and then I laughed out loud and you asked, "I crack you up?" And I said, "Yes, you crack me up." And you said, "I crack myself up, too."

I love to read Curious George with you and watch you find the little froggy on every page.

I love it when we get to go to the grocery store on Wednesday morning after we drop Henry off at school, just us girls. And you point out everything you see. "Oh, there's the bananas! There's some crackers - those look yummy!" "There's some silly-sol (cereal)." "Foot-cacks (fruit snacks)!!!" You're a pickier eater than your brother - doing irksome things like picking all the olives and salami out of your pasta salad then pushing the rest away. but you have a few favorites I can always count on - blueberries (any kind of berry, really) cheese, "bread and buttow," chicken (usually), salad (believe it or not - you love it!). And oranges. I'm quite certain you would happily eat your way through an orange grove if left to your own devices.

I love to watch you hush and rock and sing-to and snuggle your babies. it's amazing to me the way those instincts are just built-in, part of your package. and you don't need a dolly to mother - the other day you were wrapping up two ball-point pens, putting them carefully in your little stroller and caring for them just as attentively as if they were your own, live young.

Sometimes you sneak into our bed in the night without dad or I even knowing it. you're mouselike in those little footie pajamas. but you don't go undiscovered for long - you sleep like a windmill. dad and i quibble over who will put you back in your bad (he always does it). and we sleep the rest of the night in peace...until you make your morning appearance, fuzzy headed and sleepy eyed, petitioning for you morning "baba of mee-owk."

maybe my favorite thing of all is when you ask me to hold you while you drink your bottle. it doesn't happen very often, but sometimes when you're really tired (or cold) you ask to be snuggled. i love that. i also love it when you ask me to lay down with you for a little "whi-lul" at naptime. I kick off my shoes and sidle in next to you and your body gets squirmy with excitement and you say to me, "This is fun!!!" It is fun. We have a short chat, usually about all the little lovies you've brought to bed with you (Lambert, Lamby, a baby, a green beany-baby bear, your pink teddy...). We sing a few songs. Sometimes I catch a few winks with you, but most days I hurry off to get a few things done while you're quiet and still.

there are a hundred other things, at least. but that will do for now.

Moon & back Lilsey-loo,

mom

Autumning

2010-11-04T15:12:00.001-07:00

Fall has lingered graciously this year. A real gift for an Autumn-lover like myself. I let the first few weeks of the season slip idly by without much relishing at all. But gradually I started to remember all the wonderful things we needed to do, and we did them. We're doing them. Collecting leaves, frolicking outside from the school bell 'til sundown, driving around town and ogling our favorite trees (the leaves have been absolutely spectacular this year - so much so that I have added "trip to New England in the Fall" to my life list), counting our blessings.

When I think of the last leaves falling and the warm light of Autumn evenings chilling into the cold, grey fog of winter I feel a little homesick inside, already nostalgic for what we'll be missing.

(These images are completely unedited, not a saturation tweak or a contrast boost in the mix. Nature is impossibly brilliant! The beauty of this Fall has literally made me stop my car and unbuckle my children on more than one occasion to show them the beauty of a changing Autumn maple).

We did some leaf collecting last Monday afternoon when we picked Henry up from school. The street the school's on is lined with big, old trees, all ablaze with the most exquisite shades of warmth. We found reds and browns, greens and yellows and every shade between. Even some purple (!) The kids had fun hunting around for fallen leaves and pulling a few from the tree branches. I had fun slipping the most memorable ones carefully between the pages of my Norton Anthology when we got home. I love the changing seasons, each brings its own wonder, but my soul feels most at home with the Autumn.

Last Thursday I got to go to the Pumpkin Patch with Henry's class. That was such a treat. The pumpkin selection was underwhelming, but the corn maze was endless fun for the five-year-old, hide-and-seek-loving crowd. I tried really hard not to lose track of the little people I was in charge of - not an easy task in a dense maze of 6 ft. corn stalks! And I came home trying to persuade my dad to get some goats for their property because, um...I really loved the little goats that we got to pet and feed at the patch. I'm always trying to wheedle my parents into doing the dirty work so we can enjoy the charm of farm life. (oh...I am laughing about that. ha ha ha. you're laughing too, right mom?) My current obsession: securing an animal that can have babies! Seeing my children with a litter of puppies/kittens would just tip me over with joy.

And sometime in the last couple of weeks we had a really fun evening of card-making with Nana. She came over with all of her supplies - paper, punches, stamps and ink and we made 20 darling Halloween cards for Henry's classmates. (Confession: Nana did the lion's share of the work.) Thanks, Nana! I loved seeing my kitchen counters littered with red, orange, gold and brown paper scraps. And it was good to have our home filled with the joy of creativity - unfortunately, that's been lacking around here lately. The cards were completely darling with a nifty little cup of Autumn-colored M&M's sealed to the front; I am sad that I didn't take a picture. It has been so fun to enjoy the festivities of this season with family - a luxury we haven't known much in the past.

Fast forward to this week: we had a fire and roasted marshmallows in my parents backyard on Tuesday night. It was part of Henry's reward for turning in his Halloween candy. We (er, who am I kidding?) Nate brokered a deal with Henry. Henry exchanged his bean jar (beans collected for a year's worth of chores and good behavior) and his Halloween candy (minus ten pieces carefully chosen for his consumption) for some new Legos and a fun night of marshmallow roasting and ghost stories up at Mimi & Grandpa's. (The Family Fun Center was his first suggestion, but that place makes me twitch (and makes us poor!) so we nixed that idea and his next choice was a fire up at Mimi's. Done!) The candy trade was a smashing success. It is so nice not to be the candy police. Henry adores his Legos. And our night around the fire was seriously one of the best ever.

My dad told a spooky story about Steiner's Ghost - the boy-scout-eating, red-eyed albino cougar. While he spun his tale, we stealthily heated up a forked stick in the fire 'til it had two glowing coals at the end of each arm of the stick and then my mom slunk away from the fire and out into the yard with the smoldering stick. Just as my dad got to the climax of the story he said that the cougar had glowing, red eyes...just...like...THAT! (pointing to the "red eyes" in the yard) we all screamed and hooped and hollered trying to get a rise out of Henry. But he just stood there stoically, and looked at us like we were a bunch of loons (we were.)

The sky was cloudless and the stars were brilliant - all ten billion of them. We savored the perfect evening - chilly enough that the heat of the fire was welcome, but not so cold that your back side froze while your front side was warming.

There have, of course, been more substantial, less photograph-able things happening, too. (I know that you know that life isn't all marshmallows and pumpkin-carving, but I still feel the need to make this disclaimer). Tedious ruminations. Thoughtful discussions. A lot of studying (Nate) for a HUGE upcoming exam - and the accompanying relationship drought, which has been tough for me. But, in keeping with this Autumnal theme, I am turning over some new personal leaves. I'd like to tell you about some of it soon.

One thing now: I am seriously thinking about taking piano lessons again.

Halloweening

2010-10-28T21:55:00.000-07:00

Last Monday night for family home evening we went up to my parents house and carved pumpkins. My mom made a bubbly cauldron of "witch's brew" (cranberry juice over dry ice). My kids thought that was just the most magical, captivating thing they'd ever beheld. It was pretty cool! Mimi also had a tape of scary music that we listened to - Lily looved it, which we all thought was pretty funny. I think this will become one of our Halloween traditions -- hopefully there will be some little cousins to share it with someday!

Pretty spooky!

Favorites: people, season, time of day

2010-10-20T00:04:00.000-07:00

They totally know how to fight.
But when they are sweet to each other it is the dearest thing.

Geese! They're passing through almost nightly. In search of warmer winds, I suppose.

Dear Autumn, we have more frolicking to do. More leaf collecting, too. Please stay.

Please?

extra tender for Lily

2010-10-10T22:50:00.001-07:00

Lily & Lamby on the way up Mt. Scott

This weekend I held my babies tighter.

Saturday morning we had planned to make Halloween cards with Nana. A few minutes after she arrived we were out in the yard observing the "lion scratch marks" that Henry was showing us on the back fence. Lily, monkey-like as ever, was climbing on a smaller fence that separates our patio from the rest of the backyard. I was standing right beside her, but was distracted by Henry's antics and conversation with my mother in law. I noticed Lily losing her balance and reached out to catch her, but couldn't get my hands in the right place fast enough and in a blurry sequence that I can't quite remember, Lily slipped down through a gap between two horizontal beams of the fence, and her head fell back and hit the concrete behind her. That sound...the sound that her little head made when it hit the concrete ... I'm not kidding or exaggerating when I say it is haunting me. It was a crack - a really hard blow. I can still hear it in my head; it kept me up last night to think of it - it makes my whole body feel weak and hollow.

I picked her up off the ground. She started to cry - sort of. I ran her inside, near tears myself, telling Nate, "this was bad...it was really, really bad." I sat down on the couch with her so we could look at her. Her eyes rolled around dizzily. And then they closed and her whole body went limp. That was the scariest moment I have ever experienced as a mother. She only stayed unconscious for a few seconds - five maybe. And then she came to, but was still not acting normally. Her eyes were hazey and droopy and her cry wasn't normal - it was weak. I took her into her room, knelt down with her in my arms and just prayed - I've never been that kind of scared. I didn't know what to do. Nate called the paramedics which, looking back, was probably a little extreme. While he was on the phone I held my whimpering, hurting, barely-conscious girl and just sobbed and prayed.
We said goodbye to a very frightened and tearful Henry, thanked Nana for holding down the fort, and Nate and I jumped in the car and headed for urgent care. I sat in the back with Lily on my lap, going to great lengths to keep her awake. She was sooooo tired. It felt like abuse not to let her rest her head and close her eyes. She kept putting Lamby against my chest and trying to lay her head down on top of it. We phoned my dad who thought we should probably just take her straight to the ER. When we pulled up, he and my mom and sister were already there...and he had already told the staff that we were coming. It was such a comfort to see them. And also to know that Henry was in such loving hands at home with Nana. All we had to worry about was Lilsey. And oh, did we ever worry!
The triage nurse did a quick work up, which Lily did not like, and then they took us back to see the doctor. While we waited for the doctor our little lady finally surrendered and slept on Nate's chest for a few minutes. Then the doctor came in and we had to strip her naked, lay her on the harshly lit, cold exam table and hold her down while he poked and prodded her to make sure all her parts still worked properly. She checked out fine - pupils looked normal, reflexes were good, she cried heartily when he looked in her ears, walked normally when he set her down on the floor, reached for and held her Lamby when he offered it to her. He said we needed to decide whether we wanted to have a CT scan done and explained all the risks of either option (doing it or not). He said that given her abnormal behavior following the fall, it might be a good idea to scan and make sure there wasn't any damage. But then said that by the way she's acting now, if it was his own child, he wouldn't do the scan.

Hmmm??

I called my dad.

"well, he said...even if she cracked her skull there's not a thing they can do about it, it's not like they're going to peel back her scalp and suture it up. you have to be concerned about bleeding in the brain, but if you watch her closely over the next 24 hours you should be able to detect abnormality..." By this time, Lily was awake, playing with her Lamby, running around the ER, calling us all by name and telling us about every different type of candy she'd had the night before at the football game. She didn't show a single sign of complication or damage. The doctor left the room to give us a few minutes to think about what we wanted to do. We looked at each other and both felt like she was going to be okay and that we didn't want to expose her to the radiation of a scan unnecessarily. We said a prayer, watched our girl for a few minutes more, and felt pretty assured that we should just take her home and let her have a nap in her own (big girl!) bed.

We were so happy to walk out of the ER an hour and a half later with our sweet girl, talking, walking (running!), laughing and acting as normal as ever. We've been watching her very closely over the last 24 hours -- she's been a little sleepier than usual (we've had some busy days and some late nights), but other than that, she seems to be fine.

Just after we brought her home from the hospital, we knelt down to say a family prayer of gratitude. We were all sitting on the floor on our knees and Lily waddled over to Henry and gave him a big hug. She pretty much tackled him down, actually - she was so happy to be back home with him. She just held on, and held on, and smiled and sighed as she loved on her brother. He thought that was just the best. They are such darling little friends.

don't mind the chicken nugget hanging out of henry's mouth
maybe someday their mother will teach them some manners!

And last night before she went to bed I laid her down to change her diaper and she wouldn't lay directly on the back of her head, she turned it to one side and said, "mine head hurt, mama." then asked, "Henny will give it a kiss in a minute?"
"I'll bet he'd be happy to do that," I told her.
I called him in.
"Henny, you please give mine head a kiss?" she asked.
As I suspected, he was happy to oblige.
She sat up quickly and said, "it's all better!"

Nate and I have been talking quite a bit about the whole experience - how frightened we were, how awful it was to imagine something being drastically wrong with one of our children...
Yesterday Henry overheard us talking about these kinds of things and said, "you guys, I just don't like it when you talk about this. You just need to get those feelings out of your heart and throw them in the garbage. When you talk about this it just makes me mad and scared and sad. So you just need to get those feelings out."

So we have - or at least we're trying, to get those scared, sad, terribly concerned feelings out of our heart so there's more room for the tremendous gratitude and love we feel for Lily. And Henry. And our health. And all the pieces and personalities that make up this dear little family of ours. In an odd, please-don't-ever-let-this-happen-again kind of way, I'm thankful that this happened. It reminded me how absolutely precious my children are. How even when they're whiny and bratty and disobedient and sticky and messy, and I wish they would just disappear, the worst thing imaginable would be not to have them.

We are so lucky to have a Lily Jane in our life. So, so lucky. She is sunshine; our little sack of sugar. And we've never loved her more than we do now.

beach magic

2010-10-05T21:33:00.001-07:00

For my birthday, Nate promised to take me away. Monday morning we made our escape. Over to the coast (of course). it's ironic that while Nate is working from home, I feel like we hardly see each other. i take that back. we see each other. but we rarely take time to really be together. (we're working to change that). life has been big and busy (I feel like I always say that); nate has been understandably consumed with work. and i just sort of go about my duties, trying to be cheerful, sometimes only able to muster neutral-but-at-least-i'm-not-grouchy, (with occasional emotional confessions about how it's hard.) in light of all that, this getaway was incredibly rejuvenating. it was so, so pleasant to spend two solid days with my husband and remember how much i completely adore him. i wanted two more at least (days together). maybe two dozen. i didn't even really miss the children. is that terrible to admit? there wasn't a whiff of fancy or exotic, but we had the best time. we walked the beach 'til the sides of our calves ached. we talked about many, many things - how to prepare our children for the realities of life, how to help them be financially responsible, our thoughts/feelings about plastic surgery and the hyper-sexualization of women, things we can do to encourage creativity in our home, our ideal selves and our progress towards them. I told him how my heart reaches out after children - how I am falling in love with Henry's class, all eighteen of them. And how often I find myself thinking about how we can extend the warmth and love of our home to the children outside of it. (when we're talking about all these juicy things i wonder about the fascinating things other couples talk about when they're alone -- do you ever wonder about that?) Then I got really, really hungry. So we chased out the hunger with some Italian food. (Funny little side note: Sunday night my dad slipped Nate some cash and said, "Take her somewhere nice for dinner. You know, like somewhere with placemats." Dad, if you're reading this (I know you're not) there were placemats. We laughed about the placemat comment, but I get a little verklempt when my dad does sweet things like that. I just appreciate it. Very much.)
After dinner, we walked along the harbor and watched the fishing boats come in as the sun went down. We held hands. We talked about the biblical account of Jesus telling his disciples to drop their nets once more after a day of unfruitful fishing - and the parallels in our own life. We sat down on a bench and kissed. And shared Nate's jacket when the evening got chilly enough to make our noses run. We headed back up to the hotel and watched House Hunters on HGTV - i love that show - (and kissed during all the commercials.) We woke up to the ocean, which is one of the top ten best things possible in life. We watched the waves and chatted about the day. We ate blueberry pancakes (Nate) and French Toast (me) at Mattie's and crooned about how much we love that little place. How it feels like a wrinkle in time, how darling all the white-haired couples are and how neat it is that the waitresses know their names and their orders by heart.
We stood on the shore of the Smith River and commented to each other about the goodness of God and the beauty of His world. We pushed a gigantic log into the ocean (Nate's idea - of course) and then laughed and laughed when the log knocked Nate's feet out from under him and rolled him up in a big wave. We stopped laughing when we discovered the log incident rendered his iPhone useless. darn. we stopped at a road-side flower farm and laughed about how the sign said "Sweet Cron" but I thought it said "Sweet Corn" and kept wondering where all the corn was?? (I think maybe it was supposed to say corn, what the heck is cron?) We shared fish and chips for lunch and Nate choked down an oyster shooter. (shudder!) We stopped by the candy shop and bought some pop rocks and nerds to take home to the littles.

we played with the camera's self-timer feature

then we drove home, fetched the (grouchy) children from my mom's house, brushed their teeth, smooched 'em up good and sent them to bed.

Nate's back in his office - a business call. I can hear the muffled hum of financial chatter. I'm ignoring laundry and half-packed bags. I miss him. I miss this weekend. I'm so glad we went. I just e.mailed him, "thanks a million for the getaway," I said. And also, "where should we go next? and when?" He suggested a cabin, somewhere snowy, this winter...

I think that sounds just about right.

Day One

2010-09-10T23:23:00.000-07:00

*I wrote this on Friday night.

Dear Henry,

You're laying next to me in your pirate jammies. We're sleeping together tonight 'cause daddy's out of town. (*whisper: Don't tell Dad, but I love to sleep with you*end whisper). I love to listen to your gruff night-time breath. I love to feel the warmth of your hot little body in the sheets. I love to run my fingers through the sweaty hair above your ears. I love to imagine what you might be dreaming of.

Every single first day of school shot I took turned out blurry; we might have to recreate this scene

Today you started kindergarten. You could have convinced every stranger in the neighborhood that you were 100% brave, but I'm your mom - I could smell nervousness down deep. So as we were pulling out of the garage, I asked how you were feeling. You cheerfully told me, "I'm really excited, but mostly still a little bit nervous." I was mostly a little bit nervous, too. But I knew you needed me to be brave. So we stopped the car and said a prayer. You started praying and Lily echoed each phrase, you paused for a minute then started whispering your prayer in her ear, happy to let her be the voice. It was so sweet to hear you pray for yourself, and then hear her repeat those supplications for you. She loves you so much. While you were at school, she kept saying, "I wanna go at kinneygowden, mom. I wanna go wiss Henny."

It is maybe the greatest joy in my life, watching you and your sister becoming dear little friends. I would say that as a general rule, your patience with her exceeds mine. You understand what she needs, whether her desires are expressed or implied. And when I give in to impatience, (which, I regret to say, has been too frequent an occurrence lately,) the thing that softens my heart to repentance quicker than anything else is seeing a look of confusion and sadness on your face. I know that you understand charity and empathy in deep ways, without ever having had a Sunday School lesson about them. There is wisdom and discernment behind your little almond eyes, Henry. And light. And sometimes I just want to let go and step back and have you illuminate the way for me.

I want you and your sister to teach me about God and godliness because He is fresher in your minds than mine. When I'm in the right frame of mind, it happens. I realize deep, sparkly things from our interactions. Treasures.

When you came home from school, you promptly removed your socks and shoes. (You prefer bare feet to any manner of footwear, a preference I completely understand). And then you walked into the kitchen, pulled a bowl from the cupboard and the applesauce from the fridge and made yourself an after-school snack. And for some reason that insignificant little sequence just nudged me a bit - it seemed so "big boy." And I had a 5-second vision of teen-aged you coming home and rummaging through the fridge for a snack.
I hope we can afford to feed you then - you already eat as much as a lot of adults I know.
But mostly, I hope we're still friends - when you're 6 foot something and unfairly handsome and always-hungry, I hope you'll still ask me to lay by you in your bed some nights. I hope we'll still chat about your day and about the things you think would be really, really cool. I hope you and Lily will still be allies. I just hope you'll still be...you. Because I'm quite fond of you, sir.

Puffing a "wisher"

Sometimes we play a little game, trying to quantify our love for each other. I'll say, "I love you to the moon and back." And then you say that you love me "to Pluto and back." And then I say "I love you to Pluto and back, twice!" And then you say with unmistakable finality, "well, I love you to the celestial kingdom and back!" And I say, "WOW! That's a lot of love!" And I give you the satisfaction of thinking that you do indeed love me more. But that is just me appeasing your desire to have the last word. Because I totally love you more. And you won't believe me 'til you have a baby of your own. And then you'll watch that little person and your heart will twist and swell and pound and you'll realize how very little you understood about love before parenthood.

I can't imagine my heart without you in it.

Mom

Flowers. Life. Marv{elous}.

2010-09-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

I've alluded to this in fragments, but we've had a busy, full summer. The things that really stand out are the moments we spent on the tops of mountains. Chats with dear friends. Sweet moments with family. Our time at the coast and our trip to Utah. Baking with my sisters. Painting the exterior of our house. Watching my flowers change from tiny seedlings to, well...these:

They were my mother's day gift from my mom; she even came over and helped me plant the tiny plants. This is typical of my mom - to give of her substance and of herself, which is, of course, priceless. I've never grown flowers before - I didn't know that it would be blossom after blossom of joy and satisfaction. I'm already thinking about next year's beds.

(sigh) My mom...I can't even begin to describe my affinity for her. I thought maybe living in the same town might take some of the excitement or joy out of seeing her. But it hasn't. We ran into her at Costco this morning and I was so glad to see her. So were the children. They ran after her and hugged her like they hadn't seen her in a decade.

She single-handedly put the happy in my birthday, pulling out party blowers and noise makers when I showed up at her house that morning for our birthday outing, taking me out shopping, very stealthily decorating my bedroom with crepe paper and balloons, making my birthday dinner and even a batch of strawberry bars for dessert.

She is so good, so kind, so selfless. Truly one of the most Christian people I have ever known. She has the essence of the Gospel deep in her heart and it informs her whole life. I have leaned on her so much during these last 6 months. In ways that she doesn't even know, she comforts and strengthens me. I've been blog-quiet because some of my feelings recently have just been so intense and personal, I don't have the energy or the desire to give them voice. (I know that sounded dramatic - I'm fine. We're fine.) I'm an internalizer by nature, a professional worrier, and it's just been a soul-stretching experience, what our little family has done recently. It feels like we peel back the reality of the change layer by layer, ever discovering new aspects. Sometimes it is joy, freedom, new strength, excitement. And sometimes it is fear, uncertainty, failure and doubt. And I guess what I'm trying to say is that in all of the change and flux, when everything else in my life feels variable, my mom has been constant. A warm, soft place to sort out feelings. An invitation for fun and adventure. A handful of homemade granola. Steady assurance that everything will work out. A port in the storm. A new blow dryer and some real hair product. And I've never needed those things like I have recently.

Thanks, mom; I don't know how I can ever pay you back; I'm afraid it is an unsettle-able debt of gratitude. But you are so deeply part of me that all of my victories are, in some round-about, reciprocal way, your victories too. Because of your influence I have very earnest desires to love people, to sacrifice for them, to sow quiet goodness. My goodness has roots in yours. And though I recognize the many, many miles of growth and progress that lay ahead of me, I listen more, I strive for more kindness, I am less selfish, more patient and steady because of the pieces of you that make up the whole of me.

So, there it is. One tiny chip of the enormous block of thoughts I would like to record here. It hasn't been all beach trips and mountain climbing in our recent life, though that's all that's made it to the blog. We have had a lot of fun. And experienced great joy. But there have been weightier matters, too. And sometimes I like to record and remember the contemplation that goes along with them.

One of the Best

2010-08-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

Today was the best kind of day.

Woke up early. Laced up my runners in the faint light of dawn.
Rode shotgun for the 1.5 hr. ride up to the East Rim of Crater Lake through the pine forests of Oregon; they're incredible. Tree after tree after tree after tree. 'Til you're dizzy and can't look out the window anymore.

We hiked Mt. Scott (my mom, my sisters, Liz and me). The view of the lake was like a deep, deep breath - fresh and lively to the ends of my fingertips. Hiking with my mom and sisters was the best. I kept thinking what a cool bunch of ladies we were to be so adventuresome.

I felt strong. Independent. And small. One tiny speck on one small peak in the layers and layers of pine-covered mountains fading into the horizon - out to infinity, it seemed.

I love the Earth. I loved getting covered in its dust then dipping my feet into an icy mountain stream to clean them.

I want to hike a hundred more mountains. Or that same one a hundred more times.

Summer

2010-08-12T21:06:00.000-07:00

Weddings. Trips (12 hour drive home from Utah = some of the best family time we've ever had. I'm dead serious. We had so much fun singing, playing the guessing game, looking for animals, eating road-trip-only snacks (ie cheetos and sour punch straws) chatting with Nate while the children slept from Winnemucca to Lakeview). Friends. Family. Organizing. Camping. Swimming. Guests. Yard work. Not blogging. Love. Family reunion. Play. Toy Story 3 (Henry's first ever movie at a theater=LOVE. We even splurged for popcorn). Work. Learning. House-painting. Cleaning. Zucchini muffin baking (we have zucchini enough for a small nation). Living.

It's been a busy, full, happy, busy summer. Last one of its kind. Can't believe we'll be doing school nights in a few weeks. (sigh). will life ever slow down a bit so I can write about some of the things that have been on my mind? I need to make time.

Oh...and somebody who loves her daddy very much turned two.

Camping (x2)

2010-07-05T21:48:00.000-07:00

We camped two weekends in a row! Last weekend we went up to the lake for a night of camping and a day of boating with my family to celebrate my mom's 50th (!) birthday!! We had tons of fun cooking foil dinners, roasting 'mallows, telling stories around the fire and wake-boarding in the freezy lake.

Me, Nate & Henry on the tube

my darling parents going for a ride on the tube together

Lilsey and I did a lot of snuggling on the boat (she was pretty nervous about it)
I could write a post every single day about the funny things this little lady says - we laugh and laugh at her. So busy, so determined, so sweet. And maybe the most darling little person to ever live. I feel so lucky to know her. We love her right to bits.

The lake at sundown - so lovely

the women

the men (look at Nate's helmet hair!)

One of my favorite pictures ever of my boy

And this past weekend we went out to the coast for a few days with Nate's family. The beauty of the ocean made our hearts pound, we ate delicious food (something about that salty air and all the arduous sand-walking sure revved up my appetite!), we watched the sun turn to a tiny pat of butter over the water and then sink below the horizon, we lit fireworks on the beach and watched them go off all the way down the coastline and we just enjoyed being together.

Sascha & her catch

I love him, those almond eyes and li'l darkies
He loved the beach

"the 4-headed council" (Nate buried them)

hoo boy, was it windy!

Henry and Schylar (such cute little friends) enchanted with sparklers

and I was enchanted with this tan, rugged, super-hot man pretty much all weekend

Half our life smells like a campfire and we all have sand in our ears, but we are happy. And tired. And glad to be sleeping in our own beds tonight. Even little Henry was wishing for his on our way home yesterday. It's good to play hard...

Life: Snapshots

2010-06-15T23:26:00.000-07:00

There is a substantial post in the works, one with words and thoughts and a chronology of recent events. But for now, I have a bazillion cute pictures of my kids and I just want to post a few - for my grandma, and our Texas friends.

And me.

She jumps. She insists that I watch her, "yook it, mama. I a jumpeen bean!" She steals my heart in her purple polka dot shorts.

Henry thinks he's a cowboy. He wields a gun and avenges the foes of justice. He steals my heart in a stetson.

They painted paper murals taped to the fence in the backyard...

She paused to watch an airplane overhead

He delighted in the strokes of his brush

He used the most ferocious components of his animal collection to barricade the front door; didn't want Nana to leave

She was so cute before church a few weeks ago, I couldn't stop taking pictures. And we were late.

Such a Darling

2010-06-02T09:43:00.000-07:00

I didn't photoshop her eyes (I don't even have Photoshop, just iPhoto). We call them her "blueberry eyes." And we think they're pretty much the cutest things on the planet.

Gardening

2010-05-20T23:01:00.000-07:00

A couple of Saturdays ago we spent the morning at Mimi & Grandpa's house helping them plant their garden. Like I've mentioned before, these organic processes are pretty captivating to me, so I was just tickled to get to be part of the planting. So were my kids.
As we were wrapping up with the seed-sowing, Aunt Halley was inside making us all breakfast - so sweet. These are the experiences we moved to Oregon for. And they are every bit as wonderful as we imagined they would be.

Also - I have a whole new appreciation for the produce we can buy at the supermarket. All that lettuce! We just walk in, make our selection, exchange one kind of green for another, and an hour later we're home enjoying a yummy salad. But that salad represents a very delicate and diligent effort on the part of the farmer. We're just really, really lucky to have so much produce so readily available.

Recently

2010-05-16T00:30:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should catch up (thanks for the nudge, Kate):

Recently, I've been trying to turn my thumbs green, adoring my little zinnias, cosmos and dahlias and feeling especially fond of my foxglove (a blooming (hopefully soon!) reminder of my mother in my very own front yard). Also trying to fight off the earwigs and slugs that threaten their well being.

I took Henry to kindergarten round-up last week. It was ... interesting. I am excited about some aspects of school (Henry really needs some friends! and the teacher I met was absolutely wonderful) and not so excited about others (I was totally underwhelmed by the principal and a little unsure about the group of parents I was surrounded by). But we're focusing on the positive aspects of the upcoming school year - yes we are. And trying to be brave in the face of change (both Henry and I). I know it will be a transition for our family; we're looking forward to it.

And last weekend we got away. To the coast.
It was just what we needed. Salt water. Fresh, cool air. No computers, no clients, nobody/nothing waving its arms for our attention (except our children -- whom we were happy to relish and indulge). We picnicked on the beach. Found crab shells in the sand. Kissed a lot. Fed the flocking seagulls and got woozy over the beauty of a coastal sunset.

Saturday morning (back at home) I woke up, rolled over, and begged Nate to take me back.
It was such a fun trip. Somehow we managed to leave every single care at home and truly escape.

Our life's felt out of balance lately, which is fine and to be expected considering the circumstance. Lots and lots of work. And it seems that even when we're not working, we're talking and thinking about work. So maybe the best thing about getting away was clearing everything out of the space between us and just being together. And playing. I love that the Proclamation includes "wholesome recreational activities" as one of the principles successful families are built upon. It's good to play together.

I've been feeling so many things lately. And so heavily. I think it's one of those double-edged-sword type of gifts to feel things deeply. I'm thankful for it. But it's also a weakness. Some things just don't need to be worried over and internalized a million deep. And my children need a less-wearied mother.

I've been a bit weary. While I should be relishing in Lily's independence and strong will, I often just feel ... tired. (And no, I'm not pregnant - I think it's a byproduct of the worry). Sometimes being the mom is so, so hard. And nobody really talks about that part (at least not very often in my circle of friends). And I've felt a little bit isolated. This afternoon I was feeling really tired and I wanted to lay down so badly - but I knew that neglecting my children for 10 minutes would result in a catastrophe of some sort - a huge mess to clean up, a chemical ingested, or the neighbor bringing Lily to my doorstep, telling me she'd escaped and had been ringing their doorbell repeatedly (no, that has not happened before! stop looking at me like that...)

My most uttered prayer is for more capacity. More patience. More ability to see clearly and savor the sweetness that is all around me, especially in the two dear little people I care for.
On our drive home from the coast Nate and I each took an ear bud and listened to a few conference talks on the iPod. Those words (Elder Scott's talk and Elder Uchtdorf's priesthood talk) went right to my heart. The more of life I experience, the more I know that there is safety and peace in following the counsel of the prophets; I need to be more familiar with what they're asking me to do. It's hard for me to explain what I feel about their counsel other than that I really want to understand and follow it. And as I listened, I felt that the antidote for my fear and anxiety surrounding this season of our life is faith.

And as long as I'm sharing completely unrelated thoughts and waxing confessional - every time I sit down to blog, I feel stifled, unsure, hesitant. I don't like that. A record hardly seems worth keeping if it's not real. Sometimes it's hard to be real when you know your words will fall under various sets of eyes. But rosy stories of fake perfection don't serve anyone. So I've kind of been avoiding it - because sometimes I feel like I don't have the guts for it. Or the time, really. Oh, the blogger's conundrum...

Anyway, in all the ways that matter, we are immeasurably blessed. In every regard, we have more than we deserve. And our families are so good to us. I don't know how we would manage this mammoth task we've taken on without their love and support. They give us courage. My mom and my mother-in-law have been so kind and helpful; I adore them and appreciate them more than I could ever show.

And my children, though they wear me out and remind me of the most unrefined parts of my nature, are so precious. Today I asked Lily, "Who does Mama love?" She didn't say anything, but Henry chimed in, "ME! You love me!"
"And how do you know that?" I asked him.
"Because you always tell me that and grab me up and kiss me."
I grabbed him up and kissed him and told him he was absolutely right. And I was so glad that he knows that. And feels that. Because even when it is hard, I love those children to the point of pain. I love the way Lily loves "Goodnight Moon" (it's the only story she'll sit through) and how she wraps her arms around the back of my neck for a "big squeeze" and how she breathes nonsense in my ear when I ask for a secret (oh, I love that!) And I love the way Henry helped me make a breakfast calendar a few weeks ago and his first order of business upon waking up in the morning is to check the calendar and see what's for breakfast. And how he is such a nice big brother - Lily couldn't be luckier. And how he loves to snuggle with me, and play with me and read stories with me - I know that's going to change and I need to do a better job of loving it while it lasts. I don't want anything more than to be their mother.

I go into their room almost every night after they're asleep and I fix their blankets and smooth their hair and I put the half of Henry's body that's fallen off his bed back onto the mattress (that kid is the craziest sleeper!) and I kiss their cheeks and ask them to forgive me for the blemishes of the day and I whisper love into their ears.
And I hope that it all sinks in.

True or False

2010-04-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

Him

Her

No matter how much you savor their baby-ness; you miss it when it's gone.

Earth Day

2010-04-27T21:28:00.001-07:00

We went up to my mom's and planted seeds in the greenhouse. The goodness of it all sunk deep. I want a garden so bad - not sure if this will be our year, though. I had to make a conscious effort to stay out of the garden section at Super Wal Mart today - I want to buy seeds, trowels, a cute pair of gloves, soil stuffs, hose attachments. There was a siren song swelling from the Lawn & Garden Center and its enticement was, well...enticing. But I resisted, my cart already full of too much stuff, albeit necessary. I hate those high-dollar trips.
Getting back to gardening, we've been given stewardship of a few of the raised beds at my parents' house. I can't wait to see what we can coax from the Oregon soil. Can't wait to watch the seeds we buried on Thursday sprout, grow, blossom, fruit. I guess those processes are just natural but I'll be darned if they aren't absolutely magical to me. Do you ever stop and just think about a seed growing? A hen laying an egg every day (!) Tadpoles becoming frogs. Caterpillars becoming butterflies. I'm rediscovering these things through my children and I'm pretty sure I feel a greater sense of wonder than they do, which is saying a lot!

two of many...

Chick update: they're much bigger. And in Henry's words, "they have more-ther feathers than fuzz now." They also live at the farm now - they needed room to grow. True confession: we don't miss them terribly.

My sweet (sweet) mom. She's as industrious as the day is long.

dirty. happy. love my blurry kids in the background, conjuring up some sort of fun around a pile of scrap lumber. and how I can tell by the position of Lily's right arm that she was twirling (her hair).

I helped Lily plant some tiny flower seeds. She wants to "do eeeeet" all herself these days - seed planting, pajama zippering, pants pulling-up, yogurt eating (So messy!), body washing, button-pushing.

Henry played with rocks and sticks and dirt most of the time. I love his boy-ness.

Anyway...not going to get into too many life details tonight because what I really need to get into is my bed. But we're here. Feeling a little stretched. We're breathing (sometimes deeply). And we're wide-eyed about Spring flowers and potato bugs.

Track Meets

2010-04-15T09:14:00.000-07:00

My sisters are in the thick of track season - they're both hurdlers. We've been to a few of their meets to spectate.

And in all the excitement of Spring track, Henry has found a new obsession.

He has a "track meet" every day. Sometimes indoors, sometimes out. Sometimes they're at 2:30, sometimes not 'til "about 5 o'clock." Sometimes they're canceled. It all depends on the imaginary schedule, and the whim of the imaginary coach. I'm just glad I'm always invited to watch. And that he always wears his shin guards when he runs. So funny.

I am on the hurdle set-up committee.

We use what we have on hand - cardboard boxes, laundry baskets, bike helmets, buckets - sometimes even his little sister (as long as she'll sit still).

And I also have to say, "Runners set, take your marks..." and then make a very specific sound effect resembling the shooting of a pistol. (I've been carefully coached on how to imitate the gun).

Last night my sister, Halley, was here for the Monday meet and she even set up a high jump pit - just one of the bajillion reasons we love aunt Halley.

It's good to be five. It's good to be five's mother, too.

Silly

2010-04-14T00:03:00.000-07:00

Lily calls Henry's twisty straw "gatheth" (glasses) and holds it up to her face every time she finds it.
After breakfast yesterday, we all tried it on.

Nice to start the morning with laughter.

Very Good

2010-04-05T22:31:00.000-07:00

The chicks are growing. They're getting bigger feet, more feathers, less fuzz - less cute, really. And they stink so badly we've moved them out to the garage. The brooder light seems to keep them plenty warm and we covered their box with a towel to trap the heat; two nights of garage dwelling so far and they're just fine.

Who would you guess is most tender for those little chicks? You'd think Henry. Maybe Lily? But you'd be wrong - it's unquestionably Nate. Under that rugged, confident exterior there's a cream puff heart, soft for many things and especially soft for baby things. Softest for his baby.

He painted her toenails last night. It was one of the sweetest things I've seen in my life. Lily sat quiet and mostly still on the bed, tickled about the pretty of the polish. Curiosity lifted her brows and her little eyes strained to see what was happening at the end of her leggings, over the rise of her dad's knuckles. She delighted in the pampering, but kept a cautious composure. Nate softly reminded her that it was going to be so pretty and asked her to hold still. When he was all done, she took a careful look and then erupted, "it's pretty, tooooo!" And when she says "toooo" her lips curl up into a perfect little pucker.

As I watched that darling scene unfold last night I loved her dad hard and deep. He used to paint my toenails when we were dating. And while I was pregnant, too. And he'd do it tonight if I asked him to, but lately I fancy unpainted toes.

Saturday night he walked into my parents' house after the priesthood session of conference - bantering about ping pong with the boys he'd transported, handsome in his crisp shirt and slacks, bending down to swoop up his baby girl who was over the moon to see him (as she always is). Our eyes met across the confusion and he winked at me. My breath fluttered in my chest and my cheeks burned. What do you call that after 7 years of marriage? Infatuation? Twitterpation? Super lucky?

A few nights ago we were assessing our finances. We're not doing much discretionary spending these days. I made casual mention of an Easter dress I'd seen, how it would be cute for Lily and he kindly suggested, "why don't you go and get it." I had to kiss him about it. And I felt like we'd grown, like we'd come a million miles from the magnificent fight we had one night in our early marriage at the top of the Joseph Smith Building in downtown Salt Lake that was mostly about money and control and wanting to feel special enough to be indulged a little.

At the end of long days we hit our pillows with gusto. Sometimes he wonders if he has what it takes to do what we're doing. I assure him that he does. I wonder if he would maybe take me camping at the coast when tax season's over. I want to go so badly I can smell the salt water. He gathers me up in his arms and assures me that he will. He will.

Gentleness. Attraction. Loyalty. Kindness. Trust.
Some things stay steady and still, even in the spinning. And you hold on to them tightly.

I love you, Nate.

Self-Discovery & My Babies

2010-04-01T22:57:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to be a daily blogger, this string of consecutive posts is a fluke - just a lot of little bits I want to immortalize for my future self.

Today I mowed both lawns - front and back. And pulled a lot of weeds in the beds. And swept the back patio. And loved it so much! I can't wait to get back out there tomorrow. I hope the weather stays nice. I thought I hated yard work. But I didn't hate yard work, I just hated the muggy and the buggy of Texas yard work. I seriously must have smelled like sizzling bacon to the mosquitoes because they flocked to my exposed skin the second I stepped outside. Consequently, in the warmer months I either had to be in a pool or moving rapidly (ie brisk walking or jogging) to avoid being munched. I was never much help in the yard.

Anyway...new leaf = turned. This just makes me really happy because I want to be a work-in-the-yard kind of person. As you might imagine, Nate, who has been solely responsible for all of the yard care thus far in our marriage, is thrilled about this. I am too.

Also, I found these pictures the other night as I was organizing the shelves in the office. They made me miss our dear friends, the Porters, so badly. Mimi, if you're reading this -- thank you for giving us so many moments to treasure. I can't stop smiling about these.

Also - I went to the general young women's broadcast this weekend with my mom and sisters and my eyes were brim with tears almost the whole time. If you haven't watched this yet (Elder Uchtdorf's talk, specifically,) you really, really should. Fantastic. Just whet my appetite for what's to come this weekend...

Also, since I posted a birth picture of Henry yesterday, I went digging for one of Lily. And here's one (courtesy of Elizabeth - thanks, girl).
I'm getting hungry for another...pictures like this don't help a bit. Neither did the hour and a half I fluffed away last night watching home movies of my little birds from birth to six months. Lawsie!

Also, what is cuter than pink polka dot flip flops on tiny feet?

I love her in a ponytail

2010-03-31T23:26:00.001-07:00

This little peanut is in a demanding phase right now. She calls my name, "MommyMama, MommyMama, MommyMama, MommyMama..." all the day long. I make an effort to respond promptly, knowing how frustrating it is to be ignored. But when i say, "what Lily?" she gives a few thoughtful, "Umm, umm, umm's" and then it starts all over. "MommyMama, MommyMama..." and the intensity grows with every syllable. It's a little bit funny and entirely indicative of her personality (determined, persistent, particular, vocal...) but by bedtime I am worn to a frazzle, holding to my patience with white knuckles. More often than before, I find myself irritated. Edgy.

I was feeling that way today, late afternoon, in my bathroom. She was being stubborn. I could feel my patience slipping.

And then, swift and sharp, thoughts came from some place altogether calm and mild. Some place heaven-like, if not just Heaven. Reminders.

And for the rest of the day, patience was easier.

But bedtime was still warmly welcomed.

5 Years at My Current Job

2010-03-30T21:50:00.000-07:00

Henry turned five on Friday. Five. That reality is still settling in on me. I will never forget our first moments together, bleary-eyed and overcome. Exhausted to my fingernails. I had no idea what I was in for. But I knew that I loved that tiny boy. From moment one, my heart was all tangled up with his - no hope for extrication. No hope at all. It's been all hopelessness, helplessness ever since. And my heart beats hard and heavy for him still.

Anyway...we made his day as magical as we could manage. Birthday pancakes with fruit syrup for breakfast, a homemade birthday banner to adorn the mantle, a scavenger hunt for his gift (a new bike!), a visit from Nana and Grandpa, a sweet candy-gram from Aunt Halley (that Lily wanted to devour!), and a trip to Big R (a farm/ranch supply store nearby), the reason behind which I shall reveal in a moment. It was so fun just to please and indulge our boy. He is easily tickled and delightfully demonstrative.

We postponed the friends & family celebration 'til Sunday when all of our loved ones were available for an evening of food, cake, gifts and togetherness. We invited all the grandparents, and a few of the neighbors joined us for dessert. It was such a thrill for me to have everyone in my home. I loved it! I was, of course, stressed about whether my rolls would rise properly and if the cake would be yummy (They did. It was.) but mostly, I was just tickled to play hostess and gather so many dear ones under one roof.

Anyway, just to keep it real, I will tell you that Henry got called a "dork" by some bigger boys in the neighborhood that night. They called him a dork and then told him that dork means whale's p-e-n-i-s. (Oh, gosh! I'm sorry I just typed that on my blog). Fortunately, the definition got lost in little-boy translation and Henry came home telling me that dork means, "weeth peanick." He sort of muttered it under his breath with a sideways glance, as if to wonder what in the world that meant?! I had to fight back laughter about the "weeth peanick" part, but the exchange with those boys was like the official welcome to the world of "big kids." And it made me feel a little hollow about the layers of innocence and trust that will be peeled back and lost as he continues to negotiate the "real world." (sigh...)

Of course, we think he is the absolute opposite of dorky - precious and dear and funny and clever and curious and handsome and tender and...just right.

And now for the BIG R reveal...are you ready?

Guesses as to what might be inside the box?

Nate suggested the idea. I was neutral to it. Henry begged. We could not resist. We came home with 9 cubic feet of cedar shavings, a twenty pound bag of starter feed, a brooder lamp and four tiny, fuzzy chicks. They're not much trouble at all and they made a great object lesson for our Easter Family Home Evening. We plan to raise them 'til they're hearty enough to be introduced to the brood at my parents' farm. We're trying to temper Henry's adoration (kids aren't really supposed to hold them - we ignored that rule on his birthday). He would snuggle with them all day if we let him, sleep with them even. When I told him it was time to put them all in their box and get out of the laundry room the other day he said, "wait! I just want to sing them a lullaby first; you chose which one we should sing." How do you decline such a darling request?
We sang Rock-a-bye Baby...

Putting Homebodied-ness on the Shelf

2010-03-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy life around here! I plan to post a series of "catch-ups," but we'll see when they actually show up, or how rapid the succession.

My sisters had Spring Break last week, so we all tootled down to San Francisco (my mom, sisters and I) for a few days. And it was so, so fun. Ever a homebody and always a worrier, I was hesitant to go - so hard leaving my kids - but with some gentle coaxing from Nate and the girls...I packed my bag and hopped in the car! Eeeek! I'm so glad I went. (Those are my famous last words at the end of every adventure :) A million thanks to Nana and Nate for keeping the home fires burning.

We ran/walked across the Golden Gate Bridge

Found treasures at Forever 21 at 5th and Market (Lily loves my new "yower" (flower) earrings)

Rode the elevator to the top of the Intercontinental and loved the view from the 30th floor

Saw Wicked at the Orpheum (and I want to see it again tomorrow. I loved it. It was magical.)

Got lost in Sausalito

Bought strawberries at the open air market across from the SF Public Library

(thought of you when i saw these, danielle :)

Blimped ourselves at Ghirardelli Square and strolled along the wharf

Walked up Lombard Street (Once I stopped worrying that our parked car would tip over (so steep!) I was completely enchanted!)

Oh, we had fun. I am a small town girl to my core, but I do love a few days in the city. So much energy. So much history. So many fun things to do, beautiful places to visit.

I love these ladies so much. they were the best part of everything.

Scootering

2010-03-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Hello, Spring...

My parents have these little motor scooters...and they are sooooo fun.
You get on one and your cares instantly lift and you are nine again.

Also, guess who's riding on two wheels?
Watching him ride away all by himself made a complete nutty out of me - all manner of cheering, jumping up and down, clapping and hollering! I beamed and bloomed with pride.

Think he could stand a bigger (and less pink) bike, though. That (along with two thousand and a hundred* other things) is on his birthday list :)

*two thousand and a hundred is Henry's current favorite number. tonight in his prayers he asked Heavenly Father to bless his daddy with "two thousand and a hundred new clients." And then right as I tucked him in, he said, "oh man, mom - I'm just so excited about my birthday - my eyes are turning into cake!"

capturing the uncapturable

2010-03-10T22:51:00.000-08:00

snaps from breakfast: I bought myself a griddle last week and i might love it as much as i love my children. we are a breakfast family. it is my favorite time of the day. and one of the best perks of having a self-employed husband is getting to eat breakfast with "daddy" every morning.

Oh, I just hate trying to "catch up" on the blog after an absence. I'd almost rather not blog than be sporadic and vague. But I just can't give up on this little blog -- I get waaaay too much joy reading back through the archives. It is honestly one of my life's greatest joys (not hyperbole) to go back and read about the funny things Henry was saying/doing a year ago, the things I was thinking about/working on, the way Nate and I were loving each other. So...here I am.

And I have so much to say that I hardly know what to write. Some of the heaviest/most important issues of our life right now are things that I don't really want to write about, but I hate to frost over them. Tonight I'm more inclined towards sharing than frosting, so...

We took a huge leap of faith moving out to Oregon. Huge. Sometimes when I really think about it, all I can do is blink hard and breathe deep. Too much contemplation just breeds anxiety. So I find myself trying to come to a better understanding of faith - the kind of faith that changes behavior and relieves anxiety.

I spoke in church just before we left Plano about "Hope through the atonement" - which is maybe the most delicious of all the gospel doctrines, to me. One thing I came to understand in the piecing together of that talk is that it becomes easier to have hope in the atonement, that is, in God's ability to perform His promises, when we are able to look back on our own lives and see that He has done it before. And I can certainly look back on my life and see how and where God has performed His promises. And so, even though my breath catches in my chest when I look up at the mountain we're standing at the foot of, I have enough of a history with the Lord to believe that He is aware of us. And this isn't the first peak we've attempted to summit.

I read this quote from Patricia Holland the other day and felt like she was speaking my heart:

The Lord reveals his secrets to the meek, for they are "easy to be entreated" (Alma 7:23). Indeed, I have come to realize that my own personal promptings from the Lord most often occur when I have been brought down into the depths of humility and suddenly feel a lot less confident in my own ability and much more dependent upon the Lord. He certainly uses my pain as his megaphone for an otherwise dull ear. I am beginning to see that the very experiences I would have chosen to run away from at the time have really been the major motivational turning points in my life.

I can already feel this process shaping me in ways that are hard to define and even harder to speak of because, of course, I am still Emily - clumsy and stumbling, weak and inexperienced. But things are changing, I think. I mean, I know they are. I can feel it more than I can explain it. This is a growing season. The humility and near-desperate dependence must give the Lord more to work with. I wonder what we might learn. What me might grow into as a family. And I get a little bit excited about the possibilities.

In more day-to-day family news:

I had gotten to feeling like I was kind of a neat mom last week - just thinking I had a few things figured out. And then this week happened. And Lily gets out of her bed 900 times a day when I'm trying to put her down for naps/bed. And Henry's been unusually whiney. And I feel like my kids ask for candy way too many times a day. (I hate candy!) And we've all been a little irritable and restless. And it's made me feel like I'm way back at the mothering starting-line. Which is fine because, relatively speaking, that is exactly where I am. So I've been thinking more and reading more and praying more...and hopefully we'll be back to homeostasis around here soon.

These days I'm thinking a lot about Henry's upcoming birthday (5 already!) and the possibility of giving him his first real party. With friends. I'm not a fanfare and fuss kind of person (at all), so this completely intimidates me. But I think he really wants a party. And I love him so crazily that I'll throw a party if that's what his 5-year-old heart desires.

I'm also thinking a lot about kindergarten, how it's approaching much too quickly. And how I'm just not sure if we're ready for it. I am trying to figure out if my anxieties about it are just a factor of my own sentimentality (not wanting to let go of the no-school, no-structure era of life that I've loved so dearly) or if they are indication that an alternative to public school might be better for our family (ie homeschool). I'm not sure yet. This is something I am praying about very seriously. And thinking about at least hourly. I can see very compelling reasons for both (homeschool and public school) - I just want to do what's best for our family.

The other day Henry went to Simon's house for a playdate and I got to spend 3 hours with Lily. It was the best ever. I feel like I am peeling back the layers of her personality every day. She is just an indescribable little peanut -- endlessly curious, opinionated, sweet, perceptive, tender, sassy and so, so funny.

I really hope we'll stay friends 'cause I think she's going to be really neat. A few mornings ago she woke up, climbed out of her bed very quietly, sneaked into her daddy's office, grabbed the red and the blue white board markers and colored all over two pieces of paper in her bedroom. I couldn't believe she only colored on the paper. (And a tiny bit on her pajamas :) And that she made her little masterpiece while the rest of us were sound asleep! She made her wakefulness known a few minutes later when she grabbed a pair of heels from my closet and clacked around in my bathroom. I've got to get a little tent to put over her crib -- she could get into serious (dangerous!) mischief while the rest of us slumber away! Most mornings, though, we all know she's awake when she makes her wishes for milk known unequivocally by putting her face an inch away from Henry's and shouting, "BA-BA!" He just burrows his head under his covers and waits for me to intervene.

Henry is such a cheerful, helpful boy. He is so sweet to his sister - so sweet. (And she can be a real pill.) The other day I asked him to play with her for a few minutes while I had a shower. While I was undressing and getting in, I heard him gently entreat her to the playroom, "c'mon Lily, do you want to get your babies? We can push them in the stroller..." In that moment, motherhood was better than I ever imagined it would be. It's not always like that of course (see above), but with Henry, those moments are pretty frequent. There's just something special about his heart - very tender and dear.

And he's such a willing helper. He cleans up the playroom (with help and coaxing), puts away his clean laundry, helps tidy up around the house, and this morning, he eagerly cleaned the toilet (glory!) and wiped up the floors in both bathrooms with Clorox wipes. This (teaching my children to work) is something I've been particularly mindful of lately...so it brings a lot of satisfaction to see him pitch in. Occasionally we get a defiant or teary protest, but for the most part, he's glad to help out. I really couldn't have asked for a nicer boy to learn the ropes of motherhood with.

Well, there are more thoughts, but they'll have to wait. Hopefully it won't be so long between posts from now on...

p.s. someone I want to introduce you to:

Friends, meet our pet fish:

his name is

...wait for it...

Henry :)

Boots, etc.

2010-03-07T23:44:00.000-08:00

These are Lily's boots.

She brings them to me every morning and says, "Boats." And then I put them on her feet. And she wears them all day. Every day. Thanks Aunt Ashley; Lily thinks you have impeccable taste.

She also likes "binks."
Babies
Twirling (her hair)
Her pink, fuzzy piggy.
And "Fradey" (my parents' cat - she loooves that kitty.)
The "ming" (swing) at my parents' house.
And climbing out of her crib. It is so strange to have your 18 mo. old come wandering into your room at 4:17 in the morning.

My favorite things she says right now are: "ga mowning! ga mowning!" (usually just after she's sneaked out of her crib) and buh-bee-bee (when she sees the bumblebee square on the I-spy quilt.)

twirling & babies before a rest

watching for the "owsies" out the window at Mimi's house

playing chase with daddy and "Nenny" (she was the "bad guy" - scary, huh?)

She's a little sack of sugar. We eat her up everyday.

Update

2010-02-21T13:16:00.001-08:00

Today makes three weeks in Oregon. I prayed and prayed that we'd stay healthy through the move, and we did (except for Lily's throw-up incidents on the plane).
But now we're all sick. Coughs, runny noses, achey bodies, fevers and little ones complaining of sore ears. It's okay. Illness is inevitable and I'm just so, so glad we avoided it during the weeks before and after the move.

There's definitely been an adjustment period - letting the reality of this change settle in. But I think I can speak for everyone in saying that we're happy here. This new life is feeling more and more normal all the time. We love our house. Work is going well for Nate (for those of you who are not aware, he is building a tax/financial planning clientele pretty much from the ground up). As you might imagine, there's a lot of uncertainty there, but it seems we have daily victories that encourage us to press forward, believing that this really is the right thing for our family. And daily frustrations, too. It's hard being the boss, the secretary, the IT guy, the marketing department...but Nate's dazzling us with his ability to work hard (and long) and multi-task. If you know of anyone who needs an honest tax accountant...

The best thing, by far, about being here is proximity to family. I still get aflutter when the doorbell rings and my mom, or one of my sisters, or my mother in law is standing on the porch. I'm still getting used to the fact that they get to be such regular features in our lives. A treat indeed. Yesterday Nana came over for lunch and then took the kids to the dollar store, it was so fun to visit with her while we chopped veggies and put sandwiches together.

Grandpa Dave stopped by to let the kids play with his new puppy (so fun and sooooo cute!). He stayed long enough for a sandwich, to completely make my kids' day (and to let the puppy poop in the back yard :) and then he was on his way. And last night we got to have a pot luck with the Beaton/Cropper bunch.

Last weekend we went up to my parents' house for a date night - the kids ate pizza inside while Nate and I headed out to the tennis court for a few games. We had so much fun. So much fun! I can't remember the last time I laughed so heartily. The highlight of it all was when my parents came out in their sweats and we all played doubles - such a hoot! Oh, we love them. I am just so thankful to everyone here who is willing to love us, serve us, help us, feed us, babysit for us.

And I feel especially glad when we get to help/serve them in return...
We got to make dinner for a very sick Nana and her crew earlier in the week and we had Grandpa Eldon over for dinner and Family Night on Monday.

I can already tell that I'm going to feel indebted a lot - especially to my mom. She is such a kind, helpful person. I really just can't say enough about how much I admire her, how wonderful I think she is, how completely I adore her. No amount of homemade bread or cookies or stand-in taxi-ing is going to be sufficient repayment for her kindnesses to me. It's quite a conundrum, really.

The other thing I totally love about being here is that I feel like this is a place where we can really give our children an organic childhood. And by organic, I mean full of dirt and frogs and fishing and animals and garden-grown food and those sorts of things. Henry reminds me almost daily that "March is when I get to go pick up the baby chicks with Grandpa." And that "Summer is when we're going to hike up a mountain with Kate & Hal."

Even the not-so-charming realities of rural life seem enchanting to those of us who so recently emerged from a never-ending labyrinth of toll roads, Super centers & Wal-Greens. Like the other day when a rogue bat flew into my parent's house and we went to all manner of shenanigans to capture it before bedtime.

There was a Husqvarna helmet involved (for protection -- did you see the Office episode where Meredith gets bitten by a bat and contracts rabies? Dangerous stuff, my friends!) And the tool whereby we finally apprehended that frenetic flyer? The pool skimmer net. Grandpa Dave dazzled us with his duck-n-weave and quick reflexes, catching the bat so nimbly as to subsequently let it fly away unharmed.

And we are always curious to see if the trap set on the hill will bring justice to the angry raccoon who committed hen-slaughter in the coop a few nights ago -- all the white feathers by the door of the coop were sure evidence of a kerfuffle. The flock is shrinking, one unfortunate fact of farm life at a time (freezing to death, encounters with predators) - thus the trip to Big R next month for chicks.

Anyway, we love it.
We're happy.

But we do miss our dear friends in Texas terribly. And the library. And Super Target.

Winds of Change

2010-02-09T21:13:00.000-08:00

We made it. We have a new address, a new zip code, a new phone number, some new scratches on our furniture -- a new life in almost every regard. I don't think there exists an emotion we haven't felt in the past 10 days. I sort of can't believe everything we've done recently - these experiences have reaffirmed the fact that we can do hard things. And that very good things that feel very right can be very hard.

Tonight I feel:
An ocean of gratitude for my parents; I can't believe I get to live near them again

Impressed that this is an era of life which will hold many lessons for me about faith, patience, and trust in the Lord - I need those lessons.

Thankful (x 1 million) for all the people who helped us move - on both ends, in every capacity. So, so thankful.

Confused about how to arrange our furniture in this new place.

Tickled to have so much space! (Doesn't take much to feel like a lot after 3 months in 800 sq. ft.)

Thankful for the constancy of my little family - wherever they are is home to me. I'm feeling a little extra protective of them lately -- wanting so badly for everyone to feel safe, happy, settled.

Anxious for life to settle back into normalcy - less laundry and organizing, more snuggling and stories.

Over the moon excited about summer camp outs, trips to the coast, august blackberry picking and jam making, sunset barbecues, an upcoming road trip to Corvalis, pine-scented forest trails, dinner parties with cousins, craft nights with my mother in law (and anyone else who wants to join us :), temple sessions with my mom, my brother's return from Korea this spring...

Indeed, there are sweet things in store.

Here are a few pictures from our week with my parents before Nate arrived with the moving truck:

The Best Things...

2010-01-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

I should be writing a talk for church on Sunday. But I want to write about my babies first.

Today we met Nate for lunch. He brought friends from work - Charolette and Kristy. They like our kids...so we planned a lunch date with them before we leave town. Charolette requested a picture from Henry. So after breakfast this morning he said, "I think I'll draw her a picture of our family." It was so precious, I almost kept it and made him draw another for Charolette. I had to snap a picture (click it to make it big - the charm is in the details):

I love:
that he and Lily are holding hands
and Nate and I are too
that everyone's limbs come right out of their heads
that we all have varying amounts of fingers and toes
how tiny Lily is
Nate's hair

and I love that on the back he wrote:
to: "sharlet"
(only his attempt to draw an 'S' yielded a backwards 'C'
because "S's are just a little bit tricky, huh mom?"
love: Henry (in all capitals)

and that he beamed with pride when he finished

and most of all, I love that this is his rendering of our family. deliberate bonds of love. and smiles all around. It's no secret that my heart beats for this little boy. His fourth year has been bliss almost without exception - he is so easy and good.

And this little lady.
She fought bedtime tonight, boy did she. She was fitfully tired. Nate tried to calm her down...she held him off. I went in and coaxed her into snuggles. I sang "You Are My Sunshine" over and over. And over. Until her eyelids drooped under all the exhaustion. And she finally reached for her bed. And twirled her hair. And fell asleep in four seconds. With her piggy.
Cherub.

What I Think About When I Should Be Sleeping

2010-01-16T23:11:00.001-08:00

image from neithersnow.com via sarahnielsen.com

I've been wanting a pen pal for a while now, especially since I saw this and this. (Truly, you should click those links - you'll feel like you just rewound through a hundred years. Also - you'll want to practice your penmanship.)
I think it really started with [Julie &] Julia, - tell me you didn't love her correspondence with Avis?

Someone to exchange small thoughts with, mail to look forward to, pretty things to collect - I'm smitten.

Any takers?

I think I know why I want a pen pal. As with most of my romantic whims, it represents something deeper. In this wrinkle of our life that is absolutely dizzying in both scope and speed, I swoon at the notion of a slower, simpler time. And I'm jealous of a life that lends itself to having a pen pal.

And then I think, 2010 has plenty of time for pen-pals, we're just prone to trade the intimacy and charm of that kind of correspondence for posting to blogs. And writing on facebook walls. And tweeting.

I love that. And I hate that.